Fear of Flying

Dear Geraldine,

I have to make a cross-country trip, but I've never been in a plane before and am a little frightened. I was wondering if you had any pointers for dealing with a fear of flying.

Nauseous in Nevada,

Nadine

Dear Nadine,

Flying is perfectly safe, dearie. I do it all the time, though I must say those little bottles of booze on flights are just that -- LITTLE! Once you've downed about seven of them though, they start to have the right effect.

If you're afraid of flying though, you definitely don't need to read the news this week about the Northwest Airlines flight from San Diego to Minneapolis that overshot its destination airport by 150 miles and had little to no radio contact with flight control stations from the ground. It's suspected the flight was temporarily hijacked, as the only other explanation for the goof ups and lack of communication from the pilots and crew is that BOTH pilots fell asleep while manning a flight with 147 passengers, and I'll be damned if that idea isn't equally as terrifying as the image of the flight being hijacked.

And don't watch the news about the Delta flight that landed on the taxiway instead of the runway in Atlanta last week, nearly causing a collision between planes on the ground.

So, in short dearie, avoid all of the horrible stories about possible pilot incompetence, narrowly averted disasters, and actual flying related disasters (9/11 springs to mind), and drink yourself silly. That's what I do to make it through any flight.

Safe travels and bottoms up!

Geraldine Hairpiece

Cookie Diet my ass!

Good Afternoon everyone! Madame Enzo here with a report on weight loss. That's right, everybody's god damn favorite topic. But this time I have some rather exciting news for all of you lazy couch potatoes who are too stubborn to actually get off the couch, get on a treadmill, and start walking. Dr. Sanford Siegal has invented the "Cookie Diet" in which you eat his chemically altered cookies and magically you lose weight. Nevermind the fact that that's about all you eat. If I only ate 5 packets of 100 calorie cookies a day-I'd lose weight too. But who wants to do that? What would I do without my eggs benedict, chocolate souflee, and daily spoonfuls of lard? These space cookies probably taste like cardboard. Pieces of shit. You eat this cookies think bad breath, irregular bowl movements, and getting tested.

Knock, Knock, Who's There....

I say! Police in Lancashire, UK caught one woman rather by surprise when they battered down the door of her Preston home on Friday of last week. Elaine Squires was happily washing away her cares in the shower when police used a battering ram to knock down the front door and frighten her daughter half to death. Ms Squires assumed it was just the neighbours being noisy again, until she was dragged out of the shower, with just a towel between her birthday suit and Preston's finest.

The whole shennanigans was a mix up of addresses, according to the police, who had intended to carry out a drugs raid on a nearby house, but got somewhat confused since there were no house numbers on the Squires residence.

I dare say that the most amusing thing for me about this story is that there is so little going in Preston the local press are resorting to reporting amusing incidents like this one. Go Preston. You'll catch Susan Boyle up before too long.

Good evening!

Nelson Ramsbottom

BLOONS!

So...this kid in the balloon and the family and the reality tv-show mongering...what the fuck is this about? Is this really on television? Is this really in the NEWS? WHO CARES ABOUT THIS? WHO CARES ABOUT THESE CRAZY FUCKIN PEOPLE? Wife swap? My God this is getting out of control. Like seriously. Your fifteen minutes of being looked at is over. You are insignificant and boring and a waste of time. Go home and make dinner and go to work in the morning like regular people. Christ. Get over yourselves. You aren't worthy of being a narcissist.

Hey Everybody - It's Season 2 Episode 1

M13N S2 Episode 1.mp3

Saving everyone Time

Dear Geraldine,

It has recently been suggested to me that I step down from my job as the Justice of the Peace for Tangipahoa Parish's 8th Ward in Louisiana. Personally, I don't think there's any reason for me to do so. All of the hub-bub started when I wisely refused to offer a marriage license to an interracial couple. Now, I realize that, yes we are lisdxving in a time when newfangled laws say we have to pretend to tolerate ALL people, but I honestly don't think that's a reason to want to harm poor, innocent unborn children. Imagine how hard it must be to grow up as an interracial child! Not to mention the fact that as soon as that white woman realizes her mistake, the marriage will end in divorce. I think i just saved everyone some time and money. Don't you?

Please advice,

Keith Bardwell

Dear Justice Bardwell,

You are a fucktard.

cheers,

Geraldine Hairpiece.

What is 22 inches long and might be in the Guiness book of record?

It is the 18 year old birthday boy Khagendra Thapa Magar from Nepal. He tried to get in the world guiness book of record when he was 14 but got rejected parce que he was not an adult. But guess what? This time he is ready to take the the title of He Pingping of China, who is 29 inches tall. He (Khagendra, not He Pingping, oh and by the way it is Pingping not Pingpong,stupids!) might even try to star in the next "Brit's got talent" as the smallest talented guitar player in the world,

zut, sorry, the talented smallest guitar player in the world. Well, why not, Susan Boyle managed to do it. Anyway, congratulations Khagendra for making it soon in the Guiness Book of Records...who said "size doesn't matter?"

Votre ami, Jacques Cuillère,

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