Fear of Flying

Dear Geraldine,

I have to make a cross-country trip, but I've never been in a plane before and am a little frightened. I was wondering if you had any pointers for dealing with a fear of flying.

Nauseous in Nevada,

Nadine

Dear Nadine,

Flying is perfectly safe, dearie. I do it all the time, though I must say those little bottles of booze on flights are just that -- LITTLE! Once you've downed about seven of them though, they start to have the right effect.

If you're afraid of flying though, you definitely don't need to read the news this week about the Northwest Airlines flight from San Diego to Minneapolis that overshot its destination airport by 150 miles and had little to no radio contact with flight control stations from the ground. It's suspected the flight was temporarily hijacked, as the only other explanation for the goof ups and lack of communication from the pilots and crew is that BOTH pilots fell asleep while manning a flight with 147 passengers, and I'll be damned if that idea isn't equally as terrifying as the image of the flight being hijacked.

And don't watch the news about the Delta flight that landed on the taxiway instead of the runway in Atlanta last week, nearly causing a collision between planes on the ground.

So, in short dearie, avoid all of the horrible stories about possible pilot incompetence, narrowly averted disasters, and actual flying related disasters (9/11 springs to mind), and drink yourself silly. That's what I do to make it through any flight.

Safe travels and bottoms up!

Geraldine Hairpiece