Learn to take a compliment, you twat

Hello, dearies. Geraldine Hairpiece here. As many of you know, when I was in the workforce the first time around, I ran my own finishing school, The Geraldine Hairpiece School for Young Ladies in Need of Some Serious Coaching. I was rather renowned on Meridian Island for my near infinite knowledge of etiquette, and I could probably have taught Miss Emily Post a thing or two. That is until I met my third husband. It was around that time that I started to pour my afternoon cocktails in a little bit more generous a fashion, but that's neither here nor there. My point is, with manners going out the window more and more these days, I'd like to offer up a little lesson for you this afternoon.

Earlier today I looked at a girl on the street, and having been taught that if you can't say something nice you shouldn't say anything at all, I decided I'd try to say something nice. Now this girl was dressed a bit like a street walker, with a wee portion of bottom hanging out of her ripped denim mini skirt, but if nothing else, she was keeping her backside looking fresher than the lines on her face suggested it was, so I said, "That's quite a tight bum you've got there, lassy." This slattern then proceeded to glare at me and spit on the street, which we all know is highly unladylike.

Her vulgar response has inspired me to return to my etiquette coaching. The goal of a compliment is to make someone feel good about themselves, even if you are just pulling their dick. When someone pays you a compliment, it is always best to show your appreciation by graciously accepting the compliment and tossing in your thanks. Never dispute the compliment. Simply accept it. Here's an example:

Gerladine Hairpiece: That's quite a tight bum you've got there, lassy.

Untidy Slovenly Street Walking Type Slattern Woman: Thank you very much, ma'am. You look incredibly young and sober this fine afternoon.

That wasn't so hard now, was it?

Mind your P's & Q's,
Geraldine Hairpiece

Snake in the Grass

Good Afternoon, Madame Enzo here with a report on your future.

With the failing economy, don't we all wish that we could just forget all of our problems, retire early, and move on down to Florida to live out our days in peace? Well I don't think that's exactly a reality-but not for the reasons you'd expect. And no, it's not because they aren't making handicap accessible condos anymore and your bank branch just closed.

Pythons, people. I'm talking about pythons. People are taking their fat ass, 200 pound pythons and dumping them in the Florida Everglades because they are no longer able to care for them. What they don't realize is that pythons are destroying the ecosystem and multiplying at a faster rate than anyone has expected. At this rate, we won't have any endangered species left and the entire retired community is at risk.

Don't dump your motherf***ing pythons in the motherf***ing Everglades. Or else you will suffer a terrible misfortune that will land you in the hospital with no windows. And your computer will crash. And you'll go through a bought of lactose intolerance. Think bad food, mean nurses, and getting tested.

Knit!

So, these senior citizens. I went to this old people home, if that's the right name for it, and I met the most intensely awesome ladies. Oldies but goodies, fer sher. They've been knitting up a storm not just to keep themselves busy, but to build community within the home...which is cool. Turns out it keeps them from sippin' on the firewater. Or...that's what I would...nevermind. Anyway...I'm glad they're doing this, but I guess it's not so surprising that old people knit. I mean, my grandma knitted me sweaters her entire life. And she was from Russia. Or Slovania. Or something like that. Or she went there one time, or...I don't remember. Family Guy is on in a few minutes.

Whatever.
-Jimmy

Episode 2 Refresher

And here's episode 2 again, just in case you missed it...

M13N EPISODE 2 [6_03_09].mp3

Episode 1 Refresher

We're so busy blogging again this week.... episode 1 has disappeared!

Meridian 13 News Episode 1.mp3

Falling Over Cats and Dogs

Good Afternoon-Dr. Jogia here with a health report that could save your life.

As much as you may love those cute, cuddly puppies and kittens you pass on your way to work every morning, research would suggest you steer clear from purchasing one. No, it's not rabies, no it's not an increase in human addiction to cat nip, and no it's not a flea circus setting up residency in your bedroom.

A new research study suggest that 86,000 people end up in the ER from an animal related trip and fall. Now of course, one would hope these pets are not maliciously getting in the way of their owner's path, which has inspired me to tell all readers: OPEN YOUR EYES and WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING.

Every animal deserves a home and every person deserves the endless amounts of love and companionship that a family pet can provide. But if you are still worried, I recommend coating your floors and walls in rubber for a stronger bounce back effect should you take a dive.

This is Dr. Jogia, wishing you a healthy and happy weekend.

No Clothes Allowed

Good Evening, this is Cynthia Meridian reporting on the popularization of the "Nakation" during these troubled economic times.

Yes, it's true. Nudist vacationing is on the rise.

Nakationing has increased in frequency since the recession hit. Since people go on vacation to relax, it only makes sense that Americans would want to cast aside anything and everything that reminds them of their working life-and of course, that includes clothes! What better way to free yourself?

And! On the plus side, since you won't be wearing any clothes while you're Nakationing, you won't need to worry about spending a lot of money on that new swimsuit or sexy new evening gown for the Captain's Ball out on the top deck of the ship. Just don't forget to bring a hat. And your sunblock!

This Cynthia Meridian, wishing you all a pleasant view on your next Nakation.