Funding Fiasco

A jolly good morning to you all! Nelson Ramsbottom here, updating you on the latest world happenings, in-between watering my geraniums. Last time I watered something it got altogether very messy, but that's a story for another time....

According to a new Audit Commission report, schools in the UK are wasting nearly £1bn of public funding a year by hoarding it in bank accounts, and failing to shop around for the best deals on contracts and services. Now, my old headmaster was a thrifty soul, but at least he had the pupils' best interests at heart. I think nowadays too many folks 'drift' into teaching because it seems like an easy option, with better pension benefits (aha-ha), long summer holidays, and the opportunity to watch films and go to theme parks as the term draws to a close. This has led to a dire shortage of teachers who actually want to help youngsters grow, and a dirth of upper-management types who really couldn't give a shit if the school is well-run or not, as long as they can retire at 50 and move to Spain.

I say find the people who want to teach, make it an attractive proposition for them, and stop farming out educational services to private corporations whose sole aim is to be profitable. One company, who shall remain nameless, has made a real hash of providing services to education authorities around the country and is prepared to 'hand back' the contracts to the council. This company also runs several RAF bases around the country, and Group 4, a security firm renowned for losing prisoners in transit. Mr Brown, were they really the best choice to be looking after our children's interests? Really? Hmm?

I think I may have lost the thread on this blog. Nevermind... What-ho!

Letter Writing

Dear Geraldine,

I'm suddenly unemployed and I'm about to have a whole lot of free time. Could you suggest some ways to use some of that time?

Serving day 1 of the next 150 years,

Bernie Madoff

Dear Bernie,

Letter writing has always been a favorite activity of mine, and I used to encourage all the girls who went through Geraldine Hairpiece's School for Young Ladies in Need of Some Serious Coaching to write letters regularly as a way to express gratitude, answer invitations, or just keep in touch with friends and family.

Apology letters are also important, and according to federal investigators who have researched your investers, it looks like you have at least 1,341 apology letters to write. While I doubt that will take you a full 150 years, it should take up at least a couple of months.

After you finish off your letters, perhaps you should learn a foreign language. Italian is rather sexy, don't you think?

Serving drinks,

Geraldine Hairpiece

We'll keep it simple today

Rest in peace, Michael and Farrah.



My exes are dropping like flies.

Somber,


Geraldine Hairpiece

Three Cheers for Ms.LuPone!

Good Afternoon my dear Meridianites. Cynthia Meridian here, giving a loud "You go girl!" to Ms. Patti LuPone.

Now, as many of you listened to our podcast last month, you know that musical theater is something that is near and dear to us at Meridian 13 News. We take our musical theater seriously. So should you. And now we have no finer leader in this battle than the Broadway diva of all diva's, Patti LuPone.

While performing this past week in a concert, Ms. LuPone was startled to find someone on their cell phone. Were they taking a picture? Were they texting their friends? Were they checking their bank statement? One will never know. But one thing we do know, is that that bozo is an idiot of the first degree. Who the hell thinks they can just whip out a cell phone, blackberry, iPhone, whatever mobile internet device you choose to "tweet" on and ignore the performance at hand, ruining the experience for those around them, and insult the performer on stage.

To no surprise, Ms. LuPone stopped the performance to berate this first class ass-clown and let him know how disrespectful his actions were. She then returned to the concert to sing her classic "Don't Cry for me Argentina."

Brava, Ms. LuPone. Brava.

Shop Of Ages

Well hello! Nelson Ramsbottom here, enjoying what can only be described as typically English weather here on Meridian Island. It reminds me of the time when a female friend of mine got wet through. But that's a story for another time....

Baltimore teenager Brooke Greenberg is the size of an infant, and has the mental capacity of a toddler, but she is flummoxing doctors with her lack of chromosomal abnormality or genetic syndrome. The wee bairn turned 16 in January. That's right - 16 years of age! One doctor at the University of South Florida suggests that Brooke's body is developing out of sync wth itself, rather than as a coordinated unit, even thought she has not been diagnosed with any medical syndrome that mght help explain why.

One part of Brooke that clearly is developing along the same lines as her peers is her penchant for consumerism. "She loves to shop", says her mother Melanie. "Just like a woman".

Which just goes to show that the female tendency to shop unnecessarily is a genetic disfunction inherent in all females, which supersedes all and any laws of nature.

Goodnight!

Men on Mars

Now I know I don't normally write the sciencey things, but recently Buzz Aldrin, an ex-boyfriend of mine, stated that he believes the time has come for NASA to plan to homestead Mars. This may sound like sci-fi mumbo-jumbo, but I think Mr. Aldrin is completely right! It's been close to 40 years since man walked on the moon, and there's a whole lot of space out there just waiting to be explored. It takes two years for a space craft from the Earth just to reach Mars, so if we're gonna hurry up and destroy our own planet, we need to get started on figuring out how to survive on our most habitable neighbor. Buzz might have a very silly name, but he was an astronaut for crying out loud, and he may very well be on to something. Sure, he never could remember my birthday or what salad dressing I ordered on dates, but he was great in the sack, and that's got to account for something!! Mars, lads and ladies, is the next logical step in space exploration. Also, after getting to claim you've been boned by a man who walked on the moon, you run out of bragging material. So I'm thinking get some hot, young thing with a tight little bum and maybe some of those pretty front of the hip muscles (what are those called? Ab-donis muscles?) out onto Mars and fly him home to my bedroom. I'll cook him a nice meal filled with protein and Rohypnol. Sounds like a good plan to me.

Blast off!

Geraldine Hairpiece

It's catch-up Sunday!

Hey Everybody! Here's a chance for anyone who missed it to catch up on episode 2.. Enjoy....

M13N EPISODE 2 [6_03_09].mp3