Funding Fiasco

A jolly good morning to you all! Nelson Ramsbottom here, updating you on the latest world happenings, in-between watering my geraniums. Last time I watered something it got altogether very messy, but that's a story for another time....

According to a new Audit Commission report, schools in the UK are wasting nearly £1bn of public funding a year by hoarding it in bank accounts, and failing to shop around for the best deals on contracts and services. Now, my old headmaster was a thrifty soul, but at least he had the pupils' best interests at heart. I think nowadays too many folks 'drift' into teaching because it seems like an easy option, with better pension benefits (aha-ha), long summer holidays, and the opportunity to watch films and go to theme parks as the term draws to a close. This has led to a dire shortage of teachers who actually want to help youngsters grow, and a dirth of upper-management types who really couldn't give a shit if the school is well-run or not, as long as they can retire at 50 and move to Spain.

I say find the people who want to teach, make it an attractive proposition for them, and stop farming out educational services to private corporations whose sole aim is to be profitable. One company, who shall remain nameless, has made a real hash of providing services to education authorities around the country and is prepared to 'hand back' the contracts to the council. This company also runs several RAF bases around the country, and Group 4, a security firm renowned for losing prisoners in transit. Mr Brown, were they really the best choice to be looking after our children's interests? Really? Hmm?

I think I may have lost the thread on this blog. Nevermind... What-ho!

Letter Writing

Dear Geraldine,

I'm suddenly unemployed and I'm about to have a whole lot of free time. Could you suggest some ways to use some of that time?

Serving day 1 of the next 150 years,

Bernie Madoff

Dear Bernie,

Letter writing has always been a favorite activity of mine, and I used to encourage all the girls who went through Geraldine Hairpiece's School for Young Ladies in Need of Some Serious Coaching to write letters regularly as a way to express gratitude, answer invitations, or just keep in touch with friends and family.

Apology letters are also important, and according to federal investigators who have researched your investers, it looks like you have at least 1,341 apology letters to write. While I doubt that will take you a full 150 years, it should take up at least a couple of months.

After you finish off your letters, perhaps you should learn a foreign language. Italian is rather sexy, don't you think?

Serving drinks,

Geraldine Hairpiece

We'll keep it simple today

Rest in peace, Michael and Farrah.



My exes are dropping like flies.

Somber,


Geraldine Hairpiece

Three Cheers for Ms.LuPone!

Good Afternoon my dear Meridianites. Cynthia Meridian here, giving a loud "You go girl!" to Ms. Patti LuPone.

Now, as many of you listened to our podcast last month, you know that musical theater is something that is near and dear to us at Meridian 13 News. We take our musical theater seriously. So should you. And now we have no finer leader in this battle than the Broadway diva of all diva's, Patti LuPone.

While performing this past week in a concert, Ms. LuPone was startled to find someone on their cell phone. Were they taking a picture? Were they texting their friends? Were they checking their bank statement? One will never know. But one thing we do know, is that that bozo is an idiot of the first degree. Who the hell thinks they can just whip out a cell phone, blackberry, iPhone, whatever mobile internet device you choose to "tweet" on and ignore the performance at hand, ruining the experience for those around them, and insult the performer on stage.

To no surprise, Ms. LuPone stopped the performance to berate this first class ass-clown and let him know how disrespectful his actions were. She then returned to the concert to sing her classic "Don't Cry for me Argentina."

Brava, Ms. LuPone. Brava.

Shop Of Ages

Well hello! Nelson Ramsbottom here, enjoying what can only be described as typically English weather here on Meridian Island. It reminds me of the time when a female friend of mine got wet through. But that's a story for another time....

Baltimore teenager Brooke Greenberg is the size of an infant, and has the mental capacity of a toddler, but she is flummoxing doctors with her lack of chromosomal abnormality or genetic syndrome. The wee bairn turned 16 in January. That's right - 16 years of age! One doctor at the University of South Florida suggests that Brooke's body is developing out of sync wth itself, rather than as a coordinated unit, even thought she has not been diagnosed with any medical syndrome that mght help explain why.

One part of Brooke that clearly is developing along the same lines as her peers is her penchant for consumerism. "She loves to shop", says her mother Melanie. "Just like a woman".

Which just goes to show that the female tendency to shop unnecessarily is a genetic disfunction inherent in all females, which supersedes all and any laws of nature.

Goodnight!

Men on Mars

Now I know I don't normally write the sciencey things, but recently Buzz Aldrin, an ex-boyfriend of mine, stated that he believes the time has come for NASA to plan to homestead Mars. This may sound like sci-fi mumbo-jumbo, but I think Mr. Aldrin is completely right! It's been close to 40 years since man walked on the moon, and there's a whole lot of space out there just waiting to be explored. It takes two years for a space craft from the Earth just to reach Mars, so if we're gonna hurry up and destroy our own planet, we need to get started on figuring out how to survive on our most habitable neighbor. Buzz might have a very silly name, but he was an astronaut for crying out loud, and he may very well be on to something. Sure, he never could remember my birthday or what salad dressing I ordered on dates, but he was great in the sack, and that's got to account for something!! Mars, lads and ladies, is the next logical step in space exploration. Also, after getting to claim you've been boned by a man who walked on the moon, you run out of bragging material. So I'm thinking get some hot, young thing with a tight little bum and maybe some of those pretty front of the hip muscles (what are those called? Ab-donis muscles?) out onto Mars and fly him home to my bedroom. I'll cook him a nice meal filled with protein and Rohypnol. Sounds like a good plan to me.

Blast off!

Geraldine Hairpiece

It's catch-up Sunday!

Hey Everybody! Here's a chance for anyone who missed it to catch up on episode 2.. Enjoy....

M13N EPISODE 2 [6_03_09].mp3

It's Catch Up Thursday!

Hey Everybody! It's been a while since we posted previous episodes, so to give a chance for any new visitors to check out old news (!) here's Episode 1 (February) again. We'll be re-posting all 5 episodes over the next week, so you can indulge yourselves....

Meridian 13 News Episode 1.mp3

Lady in Glitter

Good Afternoon, this is Cynthia Meridian finally ready to come clean on the guiltiest pleasure of my summer. No, it's not the 13 dollar smoothie I indulged in the other day packed full with expensive wheat grass and omega-3 berries. No, it's not the ripple chested, tan pool boy I shamelessly stare at when my pool is being cleaned. And no, it is not the diamond encrusted flip flops I just had to buy the other day when I was out because I thought they would look good with this outfit I have to wear to a benefit on Friday.

No, ladies and gentlemen. It is none of those things.

Cynthia Meridian's guiltiest pleasure of all guilty pleasures this summer is:

Lady Gaga.

You have probably heard her songs on the radio, such as:

"Just Dance" singing lyrics like "Go! Use your muscle, carve it out, work it hustle/I got it, just stay close enough to get it" "Just dance, gonna be okay, da-da-doo-doo mmmm"

"Poker Face" singing lyrics like "I won't tell you that I love you/Kiss or hug you/Cause I'm bluffin with my muffin."

And

"Disco Stick" singing lyrics like "Let's have some fun, this beat is sick/I want to take a ride on your disco stick."

Hence the guilty pleasure......But this girl is smart. A new kind of pop star smart. As reported on www.slate.com, this girl has taken tween idol stardom and turned it into her own brand of show stopping. She makes no promises of her virginity, she would rather scare boys than whip them into a sexual frenzy, and she's kinda snobby with her pop references and idols. She is a woman of now. Proud and incharge. Hopefully weaving her way out of the pop idol breakdown like her former idol Ms. Britney Spears.

Also, her makeup is fierce.

Cold Case Heats Up

Get this. It's 1957. A woman on Long Island goes takes her two tiny kids into town with her while she runs some errands. She leaves the stroller outside of a bakery while she goes in to get some bread, if you know what I mean. Woman comes back. Her two year old son is gone. They never find the kid, but now, 2009, some man in Michigan (I hope he doesn't do that point to the hand thing) is saying he's the missing two year old. Holy shit. Now I know a lot of people are probably thinking this guy is full of it. I mean, how would he know that he was the kidnapped kid? How would he remember something from that long ago? But I have a very distinct memory from when I was four months old. It's one of the clearest memories I have, and I will never ever forget taking that bath with my cousin Melinda. Oh, Melinda. Anyway, my favorite part of this whole story? The detective in charge of all the investigations on the Long Island end of things is named Kevin Smith!

Jimmy out!

It's a lovely day for a crossword puzzle

Dear Geraldine,

I'm an outraged young supporter of Iranian presidential candidate Mir Hossein Moussavi, and if you read the news, you probably know that he recently lost the election to President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in a landslide that seems rather unbelievable to those of us who support Moussavi. Riots and violence have broken out on the streets here in Tehran. Moussavi offers a fresh political view of the world for Iran and hopes to improve our country's relations with the West. However, Ahmadinejad and his government are trying to silence the voices of Iranians who are hoping to move forward in the world. We Moussavi supporters are trying to be heard. We've been protesting in the streets, but Ahmadinejad's plain clothes malita and riot police show no regard for any sort of peaceful protesting and are beating men and women in the streets with metal rods, bricks, and chains. How can the Moussavi supporters make their voices heard? How can we show our disgust at Ahmadinejad's blatant misuse of power? How can we stop this fraud and manipulation? How can Iran move out of this horrid dictatorship?

Worried,
Atefeh

Dear Atefeh,

Bricks and chains? I suggest you hole up in your flat with a nice bottle of gin and a really tough crossword puzzle. This one's bigger than both of us.

Drunk,
Geraldine Hairpiece

Ruff Justice

Good afternoon, Nelson Ramsbottom here again, with some rather cutesy news from our American cousins. Now we all know how guilty a dog can look when it's done something naughty; for example when my red setter's finished the Sudoku puzzle in pen, he'll look at me with a face that can only say one thing. What that thing is I'm not sure, but, anyway.... Turns out this 'guilty look' we see in dogs faces is actually poppycock! Research at a New York college tricked dog owners into thinking their prized pooch had misbehaved, whereupon they immediately recognised a guilty look on the dog's face. The hounds most likely to look guilty were the ones who had been told off by their owners after discovering they had stolen biscuits. Alexander Horowitz, assistant professor at Barnard College, suggested that the 'guilty look' is in fact a doggy response to human behaviour, and not an awareness of having done anything wrong.

The question is, what the bloody hell is this college doing researching such a useless topic? Cure for cancer anyone? Solution to global warming? Well done Barnard College! Surely your research is one in the eye for terrorism?

The Bald and the Beautiful

I say! Nelson Ramsbottom here, with what can only be described as a rather revealing story from Taipei. Reminds me of the time I lost my swimming costume at the Raj hotel in Delhi, but that's a story for another time.

A Taipei district court has sentenced a man to 5 months in jail for tearing the toupee off a telegenic Taiwan legislator's head last year. Chiu Yi, lawmaker for the ruling Nationalist Party, felt the wig 'made him look prettier', and the judge decided that removing the wig intentionally was taking away Chiu Yi's right to look good.

Now, if only Susan Boyle exercised that very same right, we'd all be doing a lot better...

Good night!

A Little Etiquette

Hello dearies,

Geraldine Hairpiece here. I was looking through some old photographs, and they reminded me of my days running the Geraldine Hairpiece School for Young Ladies in Need of Some Serious Coaching. I thought it might be nice to just run over some basics for you, since we all need reminding from time to time.

Let's cover dinner table etiquette, shall we? First of all, if you're sitting, put the goddamn napkin in your lap. Your host folded it up nicely, sure, but not just for you to look at, and no one will want to look at the goop on your pants when you stand up after dinner.

This is very important, you twats. The lady sitting to the right of the host is served FIRST! That means if I'm on the right of the host, you don't grab the fucking roast and take the end piece! That's MY FUCKING PIECE OF BEEF! I was seated next to the host for a reason, and do you really think I would have RSVP'd "yes" with a hand-written note two weeks prior to the event had I known that you'd take the end piece of the roast beef??!! DO YOU??

Finally, no one wants to hear you slurp. You know who you are.


Keep practicing,
Geraldine Hairpiece

Bert Fink Interview: Uncut!

Hey everybody, it's the full length Finkerview! In this musical theatre extravaganza, Bert shares with us his view on all things Tony, with some truly fascinating insights!

Bert Fink Interview In Full.mp3

Episode 5 - June 6th 2009

Hey everybody, it's episode 5!!! Packed with wholesome goodness from Madame Enzo, a fascinating interview on the Tony's with musical theatre afficionado Bert Fink, and introducing Tiffany Feelings, our new weather girl!

Meridian 13 News is written by:
Becca Anderson
Julian Blackmore
Dimitri Landrain
Emily Peters
James Yates

Meridian 13 News Episode 5 [6.6.09].mp3

Excuse you.

All right folks, this is a good one. Turns out the real enemy of the global environment is: cows. Yeah. Looks like cows are just burping way too much and giving off way too much gas into the atmosphere. Can you believe that? And I thought people were to blame for pollution. Thank God. I mean...I was sweatin it there. I just feel bad for the cows. Ya know...they have to suffer the burden of being the cancer of the planet. (But score one for people--Justice at last fer sher).

I'm celebrating,
Jimmy

Denial

It's been 20 years since the horrific events in Tianenmen Sqaure took place. And these Chinese government still refuse to acknowledge what happened, even going so far as to block several websites ahead of the anniversary.

Tianenmen Sqaure yesterday was filled with police, uniformed and plain clothed (although you could spot them a mile off - all wearing the same shirt!), ensuring no protests or anniversary gatherings could take place. Journalists and news teams were turned away, and the government simply refuses to recognise it's disgusting behaviour twenty years ago.

China is rapidly becoming a major economic player on the global scene. Isn't it about time they started treating their citizens, and the rest of the world, with a little respect? Pretending things don't happen and censoring free speech on the internet is not the type of behaviour any one of us here on the Meridian 13 News team want to see from a dominant political world power.

A side of lard with that please?

Good Afternoon, Dr. Jogia here with a staggering new health report.

Lard, the totally natural fat found in animals, is now being touted as a health conscious ingredient to cooking. Indeed, we all know that eating anything that contains trans-fats is like signing your own death certificate. Well, what do you think shortening and processed butter is packed full of? That's right, no-good-for-you trans fats.

But lard on the other hand, being completely natural, is just fine for your arteries, blood pressure, and heart disease. Not to mention, cooking with lard makes everything taste better: your pastries will be fluffier and your tortillas will be crispier. No doubt, our chef Jacques would agree with me. Now, this is not to suggest that when you're feeling sad you should eat lard by the spoonful. Ben and Jerry's "Chunk Monkey" is still appropriate for such an occasion. But rather, make lard a part of your everyday cooking routine.

So forget that your friends used to ever call you "lardass" and next time you're at the market, make sure you pick up a tub of fresh lard to fry those pancakes and bacon up in.

This Dr. Jogia wishing you a healthy and happy Wednesday.

Good show!

I say! Jolly good show America! Apparently a 266 page report, detailing information on hundreds of the nation's civilian nuclear sites and programs, and maps showing the location of stockpiles of fuel for nuclear weapons, has accidentally been made public. Well, for a short while anyway....

While several nuclear experts claim the information in the document doesn't pose a big security threat - the information is described as 'sensitive, not classified' - one wonders why the words "HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL SAFEGUARDS SENSITIVE" are marked across the top of each page, if the document has to be withdrawn from public viewing.

Says former Director of Central Intelligence, John M Deutch: "These screw-ups happen".

Quite. On that comforting thought, this is Nelson Ramsbottom wishing you sweet dreams.

Fake It Easy

Dear Geraldine,

I've been working on my singing career a lot lately and have made a bit of a name for myself. However, I just had a bit of a set back when I lost Britain's Got Talent, so I've checked myself into a clinic to recover from all this mental exhaustion. However, as soon as I'm out I'm getting back on to my career. I'm wondering if you have any suggestions for my debut album title?

Thanks,

Susan Boyle

Dear Susan,

How about "Fugly Road" or "The Who's That Talentness Hack" or "Fat Side of the Moon" or "Boredom Calling"? If you were better looking and had the same voice you have, no one would care and you'd still be bagging groceries at Tesco.

Get a job,

Geraldine Hairpiece