That's not oven the half of it

Hello, dearies!

Geraldine Hairpiece here. You may have already correctly assumed that I'm a big fan of living in the age of convenience, but even I know that you can push that a little too far. Apparently some excuse for a human being has been stealing appliances from under-construction new homes in and around San Antonio, TX. I applaud the ingenuity, really, but you really ought you just buy your own microwaves. Of course, Joshua Michaud, the 32-year-old suspect, was eventually caught thanks to yet another device created to make the day to day routine easier. Homebuilder Pulte Homes placed a GPS tracker inside one of their ovens left in an house currently under construction, and sure enough, the oven was stolen. The tracking device lead the police directly to the imbecile's truck and further on to his collection of $2,000 worth of stolen appliances.

Let this be a lesson to us all that while it's fine to want you're life to be a little easier, you can't expect others to provide you with everything.

Cheers,
Geraldine Hairpiece

Hey Everybody - it's episode 3!

It's episode 3! Yes it is. Right here....

M13N S2 E3.mp3

Ho,ho,ho

It's official! Santa doesn't want cookie and milk but the "Swine Flu" (N1H1 virus) vaccine. His syndicate is worried coz obesity could be a risk factor. Of course there is only one Santa but it has been established that among the other American Santa 2/3 are overweight and 1/3 is very, very, very obese! Come on Santas, keep up with the aerobics! The syndicate of the Santa is asking to be put all the Santason the priority list for the vaccine: of course, we doesn't want any kids to get sick! So Santas, I sincerely hope you get your shots and please don't forget my check this Christmas. And talking about christmas, get ready for Meridian 13 News' Christmas Episode!

Jacques Cuillère.

bwahahaha!

Hello Dearies,

Hope none of you are in Texas and want to get married. BECAUSE YOU CAN'T! In 2005 when an constitutional amendment was added in Texas to ban same-sex marriages and domestic partnerships, a clause is subsection B stated, "This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage." That's right. NO MARRIAGES.

Excellent job, biggots.

Drink up!
Geraldine Hairpiece

Bad Dream Ends In Horror

This is one of the most tragic news stories I have read in a long time. Brian Thomas, a father of two, who suffers from a chronic sleep disorder is on trial for killing his wife while on holiday in Wales.

Mr Thomas dreamt that an intruder had broken into the couple's campervan. He tried to tackle the intruder, but instead strangled his childhood sweetheart and wife of 4o years.

His distressing 999 emergency call after he had strangled her was played in court. In it he said: "What have I done? I've been trying to wake her. I think I've killed my wife. Oh my God. I thought someone had broken in."

The prosecution is asking the jury for a not guilty verdict, on the basis that Mr Thomas' sleep disorder means his behaviour was consistent with the legal definition of automatism. At the time of the killing he was asleep, and his mind had no control over what his body was doing.

Our thoughts go out to Mr Thomas and his family.

Shit happens!

A plant converting cow's manure (Cow's pooh or "caca de vache" as we say in France) opened a week ago in Netherlands. It will be used as fuel to power thermal plant's gas turbine and will provide heat for 1100 homes. The recipe: you just have to mix cow's shits with grass and food industry residues and you get the best fuel ever, and it smells wonderful.

I couldn't resist, here is a nice picture for you:

Netherlands doesn't have to only be famous anymore for the gouda and Amsterdam's pot and hoes! Guess what, shit really happens!

Votre Ami, Jacques Cuillère.

It's all in my book

Well hi there Miss Geraldine,

Doncha know, my life was goin' just super-duper until these silly old anonymous "McCain officials" came forward and said I was pullin' a Pinocchio in my new book ("Going Rogue" and hittin' shelves in bookstores nationwide this comin' Tuesday! You betcha!). All I said was that I was billed $50,000 for, you know, various, um, things by the McCain campaign before they named me as the Vice President! I'm sorry... Vice presidential nominee. Now some no name little noodle noggin punk is trying to mess up everything by declaring that what I claim is "one hundred percent untrue." Well, here's a newsflash for you, Joe Jackass, it's true that SOMEBODY billed me $50,000 and that's a big hunka change, doncha know!? Right. Anyway, I hear you give advice, so I figured I'd write you a letter. Whaddaya think I should do about this no name official, huh? I got a loaded shotgun on the back of my ATV.

Smiles and Polar Bears,
Sarah Palin

Dear Mrs. Palin,

Loaded shotgun, eh? I get the impression that you're really a woman of substance who wants nothing more than to improve this world we're in for future generations. The answer seems all too obvious to me...

cheers,
Geraldine Hairpiece

The Heart of Africa

I say! As if it's not enough to be buying up American debt, China have now offered a multi-billion dollar package of financial and technical assistance to African nations. At the Forum on China-Africa Cooperation Prime Minister Wen Jiabao has pledged $10 billion in low interest loans, double the amount at the last meeting in 2006. On top of all that, China has promised to forgive the remaining debt on certain interest-free loans granted to some African nations.

Jolly nice of them I say, since most of the West a) can't afford to help any more, and b) adds pesky conditions to loans, like asking for improvements in the way countries are governed. I mean, who wants to see democracy flourish in Africa? Not the Chinese. Much better for them to keep the nations unstable, so they can exploit the continent's mineral and oil reserves.

While you're at it China, why not pile into hundreds of starving children with tanks, in an attempt to recreate your Tiananmen Square acheivements....

Good night!

I.O.U. vandalism

So a fellow tagger in Florida ran out of spray paint the other day and didn't finish his tag. He left a note for the cops to find that said something like, "Guys, I ran out of paint. I'll save up for some more. But until then, it's supposed to be a tree...if you squint both eyes..." actually that's just speculation on my part. That's what would happen to me when I'd forget about assignments in school. "dear teacher. i ran out of time...it's supposed to be a completed essay, if you only read the first page." I think kids should tag their homework instead of printing it. If I were a teacher, I would say at the top of my worksheets "please tag illegibly". Man. I was great in art class.
Sweet.

-Jimmy

Hey Everybody! It's Season 2 Episode 2

Packed with Novembery goodness, with a Swine Flu update from Tiffany Feelings, Fat Staxx, Nelson Ramsbottom's world view, Jacques reporting from Sweden, a new correspondent AND Cynthia's own editorial! Phew....

M13N S2E2.mp3

R u up 4 2gether time?

Hello, dearies.

Geraldine Hairpiece here with a bit of advice on how to have a social life. First of all, have a social life. Know people in person. Step away from the keyboard, the cell phone, the Blackberry. Look at a person, not an avatar or what have you, in the face and say something using real words and sentences. It's the first step.

It's been argued that Americans are more isolated and less social than they used to be. It's been suggested that technologies such as cell phones and the internet. A recent study suggests that people who frequently use cellular phones and social networking websites do not prevent people from getting out and meeting new people or spending time in social settings such as cafes or parks. However, due to the distance spanning abilities of these social networking websites and the mobility provided by cellular phones, people's social circles are now just more spread out. Your friends are people who live across the city or the state or the country or the world from you, not just your neighbors. In fact, people who use social networking sites such as Facebook are thought to be 30% less likely to know their neighbors.

I suppose there's nothing wrong with not knowing your neighbors, but I'll be fucked if those "friends" over the internet will be there to pour you some scotch when you run out. Know your neighbors, dearies! They're the owners of the liquor cabinets closest to you!

cheers,
Geraldine Hairpiece

Oscar Night Hot Flashes

Good Afternoon everybody! Madame Enzo here. And I'm just going to come right out and say it. I need a cold shower. A really, long cold shower. And you want to know why? Only the two sexiest men to ever exist in showbiz are going to be hosting the 82nd Academy Awards TOGETHER in March 2010.

Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin.

Now I don't know what gets you kids off today, but there's nothing like the team up of a banjo playing silver haired stud and a once svelte velvet voiced gentleman with a messed up family. If it were up to me, I'd let Mr. Martin strum my strings any day and Mr. Baldwin could sweep me away into his 30 Rock dressing room for as long as he would like.

All funny business and sexual fantasies aside, the two really do make an excellent comedic match up and the telecast's producers, Adam Shankman and Bill Mechanic, are quoted as saying they think they are "perfect." And I agree.

Though I do worry about my blood pressure acting up as I watch the two men regale us with songs and stories of the years nominees and categories. Watching the Oscars this year then, can only mean three things: Lighting candles, heavy breathing, and getting tested.

16 cockroaches into your mouth

A pet store employee put 16 cockroaches in his month (all were at least 2 and an 1/2 inches) to try to be in the new Guiness World Record. The previous record was set to 11. The pet employee doesn't want to stop there; next year he said, he'll try for 20. After creating so many random record, it seems the Guiness World Record should rather create the record of stupidity. Do you think, the records holders are getting some $? No, nothing, just their name on a book, (♫) FAME...FAME...I WANNA LIVE FOREVER...BABY, REMEMBER MY NAME (♫).

Among the stupidest record from The Guiness book of R. : The record for most rotations while hanging from a power drill, the record for the heaviest vehicle pulled by hair (Ouch) and the record for the longest play session of Grand Theft Auto IV...

Oh,la,la!

Votre Ami, Jacques Cuillère.

Tolerance of Arabia

I say! Those Saudis have really stepped over the mark this time.... Perhaps not known for being the most tolerant of countries at the best of times, the authorities have now added to their global popularity by ordering a 22 year old woman to receive 60 lashes, after being charged with involvement in a television show in which a Saudi man talks about.... gasp, sex!

Now I know we Brits are viewed as the prudes of the world (why only the other day Jimmy accused me of hiding his copy of Playboy. We all know it was Geraldine who took it), but this over-reaction makes us Poms look like floozies.

The poor woman was only involved in preparing the program, and hadn't had any involvement with the episode in question. The man who talked about his active sex life was also charged, and ordered to receive 1,000 lashes.

Two points I wish to make:

1) Saudi Arabia - let it go. We all know your princes come over to London and have it away with high end prostitutes, so don't pretend you're above coitus.
2) Several of my friends would quite enjoy the punishment of being whipped. Whoever thought that would 'teach people a lesson' should take a trip to a dominatrix. Why, only the other day I had my......

Ahem.

Good night.

Fear of Flying!!!!!!

Just kidding. Would that not have been great tho? If I just did the same thing as the previous two? Pfhahaha. Nelson would have been pissed. Anyway, just wanted to give a shout out to Andrew Lloyd Wizzle. Prostate cancer is no fun. I know I'm a young man, but I've...let's not go into how I know. Andrew, I hope you get that taken care of and get back to work. Good thing it's in the early stages. Sounds like you're gonna be fine. Maybe it'll inspire a new show? Oh, man. I'll buy that ticket. "Prostate of Emergency" ? Anybody? Get well soon.
-Jimmy

More News about the distracted pilots on Northwest overflew their destination by 150 Miles!

As Geraldine wrote in her last blog: Two Northwest pilots neglected to make radio contact with the ground and overflew their destination by 150 miles. They discovered their mistake, turned around and landed safely. They were carrying 144 passengers. The pilots claim to have been distracted during a heated conversation about airline regulations. The National Transportation Safety Board does know if they might have been sleeping and is actually retrieving the recording conversation of the cockpit. It might be something like this:

"Hey Jack...Jack, wake up...wake up,sleepy bear!"

"Joe, let me sleep more, come on, after all that booze we drank"

"Come on, get a bloody may and let's call the stewardess again for a pre-landing goodie."

"Ok, if you are going to make it that diffi/

"Shit, Fuck, Fuck The fucking fuck!"

"What?"

"We overslept, we overflew, we're OVERFUCKED!"

Well, well...Also, last Monday, a Boeing 767 with 182 passengers landed on a taxiway instead of its runway at Atlanta's Hartsfield airport. At this rate, terrorists won't have to highjack planes anymore.

Oh,la,la!!!

Votre ami, Jacques Cuillère.

Fear of Flying

Dear Geraldine,

I have to make a cross-country trip, but I've never been in a plane before and am a little frightened. I was wondering if you had any pointers for dealing with a fear of flying.

Nauseous in Nevada,

Nadine

Dear Nadine,

Flying is perfectly safe, dearie. I do it all the time, though I must say those little bottles of booze on flights are just that -- LITTLE! Once you've downed about seven of them though, they start to have the right effect.

If you're afraid of flying though, you definitely don't need to read the news this week about the Northwest Airlines flight from San Diego to Minneapolis that overshot its destination airport by 150 miles and had little to no radio contact with flight control stations from the ground. It's suspected the flight was temporarily hijacked, as the only other explanation for the goof ups and lack of communication from the pilots and crew is that BOTH pilots fell asleep while manning a flight with 147 passengers, and I'll be damned if that idea isn't equally as terrifying as the image of the flight being hijacked.

And don't watch the news about the Delta flight that landed on the taxiway instead of the runway in Atlanta last week, nearly causing a collision between planes on the ground.

So, in short dearie, avoid all of the horrible stories about possible pilot incompetence, narrowly averted disasters, and actual flying related disasters (9/11 springs to mind), and drink yourself silly. That's what I do to make it through any flight.

Safe travels and bottoms up!

Geraldine Hairpiece

Cookie Diet my ass!

Good Afternoon everyone! Madame Enzo here with a report on weight loss. That's right, everybody's god damn favorite topic. But this time I have some rather exciting news for all of you lazy couch potatoes who are too stubborn to actually get off the couch, get on a treadmill, and start walking. Dr. Sanford Siegal has invented the "Cookie Diet" in which you eat his chemically altered cookies and magically you lose weight. Nevermind the fact that that's about all you eat. If I only ate 5 packets of 100 calorie cookies a day-I'd lose weight too. But who wants to do that? What would I do without my eggs benedict, chocolate souflee, and daily spoonfuls of lard? These space cookies probably taste like cardboard. Pieces of shit. You eat this cookies think bad breath, irregular bowl movements, and getting tested.

Knock, Knock, Who's There....

I say! Police in Lancashire, UK caught one woman rather by surprise when they battered down the door of her Preston home on Friday of last week. Elaine Squires was happily washing away her cares in the shower when police used a battering ram to knock down the front door and frighten her daughter half to death. Ms Squires assumed it was just the neighbours being noisy again, until she was dragged out of the shower, with just a towel between her birthday suit and Preston's finest.

The whole shennanigans was a mix up of addresses, according to the police, who had intended to carry out a drugs raid on a nearby house, but got somewhat confused since there were no house numbers on the Squires residence.

I dare say that the most amusing thing for me about this story is that there is so little going in Preston the local press are resorting to reporting amusing incidents like this one. Go Preston. You'll catch Susan Boyle up before too long.

Good evening!

Nelson Ramsbottom

BLOONS!

So...this kid in the balloon and the family and the reality tv-show mongering...what the fuck is this about? Is this really on television? Is this really in the NEWS? WHO CARES ABOUT THIS? WHO CARES ABOUT THESE CRAZY FUCKIN PEOPLE? Wife swap? My God this is getting out of control. Like seriously. Your fifteen minutes of being looked at is over. You are insignificant and boring and a waste of time. Go home and make dinner and go to work in the morning like regular people. Christ. Get over yourselves. You aren't worthy of being a narcissist.

Hey Everybody - It's Season 2 Episode 1

M13N S2 Episode 1.mp3

Saving everyone Time

Dear Geraldine,

It has recently been suggested to me that I step down from my job as the Justice of the Peace for Tangipahoa Parish's 8th Ward in Louisiana. Personally, I don't think there's any reason for me to do so. All of the hub-bub started when I wisely refused to offer a marriage license to an interracial couple. Now, I realize that, yes we are lisdxving in a time when newfangled laws say we have to pretend to tolerate ALL people, but I honestly don't think that's a reason to want to harm poor, innocent unborn children. Imagine how hard it must be to grow up as an interracial child! Not to mention the fact that as soon as that white woman realizes her mistake, the marriage will end in divorce. I think i just saved everyone some time and money. Don't you?

Please advice,

Keith Bardwell

Dear Justice Bardwell,

You are a fucktard.

cheers,

Geraldine Hairpiece.

What is 22 inches long and might be in the Guiness book of record?

It is the 18 year old birthday boy Khagendra Thapa Magar from Nepal. He tried to get in the world guiness book of record when he was 14 but got rejected parce que he was not an adult. But guess what? This time he is ready to take the the title of He Pingping of China, who is 29 inches tall. He (Khagendra, not He Pingping, oh and by the way it is Pingping not Pingpong,stupids!) might even try to star in the next "Brit's got talent" as the smallest talented guitar player in the world,

zut, sorry, the talented smallest guitar player in the world. Well, why not, Susan Boyle managed to do it. Anyway, congratulations Khagendra for making it soon in the Guiness Book of Records...who said "size doesn't matter?"

Votre ami, Jacques Cuillère,

Meridian13 News

Good Gandhi!

My oh my. There's a bit of a hoo-ha going on with our friends in India, all over a simple pen. It's not that said implement is in any way causing offense through it's use; it's guilt by association.

Montblanc has issued a commemorative Mahatma Gandhi pen complete with decorative images of the original father of India. Now, you may ask what's all the fuss about? Popping a picture of an old guy in glasses onto a pen isn't all that offensive, is it? But the pen retails for $23, 000, and when one bears in mind that one third of children in India suffer from malnutrition, not to mention the widespread poverty that prevails in the country, perhaps it is in poor taste.

To be fair, Montblanc made a sizeable donation to Gandhi's charity before any pens were sold, and have promised a further gift of up to $1000 per pen sold. And it's not like anyone's being forced to buy them. Least of all the Indian government officials who wear the pens in breast pockets with pride.

It's nice that they can afford such a luxury, when the average Indian worker would be lucky to make $23, 000 in a lifetime.

Season 1 Re-runs: Episode 6

Meridian 13 News Episode 6 [7th July 2009].mp3

Season 1 Re-runs: Episode 5

Meridian 13 News Episode 5 [6.6.09].mp3

Season 1 Re-runs: Episode 4

Meridian 13 News Episode 4 [5.2.09].mp3

Season 1 re-runs: Episode 3

Meridian 13 News Episode 3 [4_4_09].mp3

Season 1 re-runs: Episode 2

M13N EPISODE 2 [6_03_09].mp3

Season 1 Re-Runs!

Hey Everybody! Here's a chance to catch up on all of the Season 1 episodes, starting with episode 1. Oddly enough.

Meridian 13 News Episode 1.mp3

What weight 5 pounds and three onces and is 18 inches long?

Dirty minds! It's a baby...but there is a catch. Not the right parents! A fertility clinic in Ohio implanted Carolyn Savage with an embryo, then, 10 days later they call her to announce she was pregnant but with the wrong embryo. Oh la la! Was the doctor drunk? Did a nurse misread the label. However, the story has a partial happy ending as Mrs. Savage decided to give the baby boy back to their naturals parents who called her a "Guardian Angel." Must be hard for the family Savage but Bravo Carolyn.

Jacques Cuillère

Meridian 13 News

Hey Everybody - It's Season 2!!!!

We're back!! And so are you!! This month we hear from Madame Enzo (so chirpy), Travelling Jimmy (so quirky) and Ricky 'The Cougar - Rrraarrrr' Crenshaw (so dirty.) Don't forget if you want to subscribe to the podcast in iTunes, go to our website www.meridian13news.com and go to the podcast page. Have fun kids!

M13N S2 Episode 1.mp3

Tell Me Everything!

America's President Obama announced today that he "will end 'don't ask-don't tell.'" So first of all, we should all raise a glass to the President for the step towards creating a more tolerate America. Pretty simple, no?

And of course, this change in policy raises some questions. First of all, how many current soldiers will come out? Secondly, will this encourage more homosexual men and women to join the United States armed forces? And third, what are the new uniforms going to look like??? I mean, the Army already has a show choir now while don't ask-don't tell is still in effect, so I'm hoping they go all out in the fashion department.

I'm thinking something like the little number to the left. Would love to hear what the readers think about this.

Nutterman Loses The Plot

I say! It's one thing to have an affair, but quite another to try and use another man's, um, 'indiscretions' to extort money from him, no matter what his public status.

Now, while all my sympathy goes out to Regina, wronged spouse of David Letterman, who is undoubtedly hurt by his extra-curricular activities, just what the bloody hell does Mr Halderman (accused of an extortion attempt on Mr Letterman, after he found out about a string of affairs, including [allegedly] one with Mr Halderman's girlfriend) think he's doing? And what was I thinking trying to string such a convoluted sentence together with no attention to grammar?

Really Mr Halderman? If you weren't man enough to satisfy your girlfriend in the sack, and some old fellow off the television did the job for you, I certainly wouldn't be going all around the media shouting about it. Where's your self-respect?

You, sir, are what we call a penis. Now go and learn how to use yours to better advantage.

Goodnight!

Hands

So it turns out that washing your hands is a very important and helpful technique in preventing the contraction of the SWINE FLU! Oh really? I had no idea. Washing your hands is a good thing? Wow. Because I have been living in a hole seventy-five feet under the ground for the last 200 years and I haven't heard about basic sanitation. Is this really a news piece? Is this REALLY a good masking of news media scare tactics? Turns out you need to wash your hands or else you will die. OH NO!!!! WHAT ELSE DO WE NEED TO KNOW??? I'LL STAY TUNED IN!!!

Jesus Christ.
-Jimmy

Money, money, money...

Tragic news in the richest world: Warren Buffett, the second richest American citizen lost $10 billion as the shares of his business fell. $10 billion? I think I would need to work 6000 years to get close to this amount....mind you, it must be a lot of pressure to lose as much. Don't worry, he is still ok: he now only worth $40 billion. You might still have to cut your morning Starbucks' grande latte and the pop corn during movie night, Mr. Buffet... Malheureusement, most of the American billionaires are suffering as much from the recession and even worst (sorry, nothing personal!) their loss is also affecting directly affecting the life of less "fortunate" citizens. Meridian 13 News is also suffering from this crisis, so Mr. Buffet, if you have any spare change from this $40 billion left, we accept donations.

Votre ami, truly, Jacques Cuillère,

From Meridian 13 News

Kate minus Jon +8

Good Evening, Cynthia Meridian here with an update on everyone's favorite train wreck of a celebrity marriage: Jon and Kate Gosselin.

TLC (The Learning Channel...by which they mean, learning how to be a vicious Bride-Zilla (Say 'Yes' to the Dress), learning how to love a charming Italian baker from Hoboken (Cake Boss), and learning how to dress like you aren't homeless (What Not to Wear) ) has announced that the formerly titled "Jon and Kate Plus 8" will be called "Kate plus 8" as of November 2nd. The change is meant to signal Jon's lessening appearance on the show.

Apparently, Jon Gosselin is too busy parading around with his girlfriend in the Hamptons and staying up late partying in Manhattan to come home to Boonies, PA to spend time with his 8 adorable children? And he thinks he can make as much money being the butt of tabloid jokes as he could putzing around his ENORMOUS Central Pennsylvania home? Yeah, right, buddy.

The title of The New York Times article announcing this change went as follows:

"TLC Retools Reality Show, Putting New Focus on 'Kate Plus 8".

Yes, Jon. You are a tool.

Pills n Chills

I say!  Back in my school days if we felt a little funky we'd go for a run, but according to a new article in a popular free morning paper published in a busy metropolis, people are turning to medication far too easily as a solution to their mental woes. 

Yes, it seems the human race is after quick fixes for depression, relying on prescription medication readily handed out by doctors. Some leading experts claim that alternative forms of treatment would be a more effective way of dealing with the problem.  Let's see, has anybody tried getting off their backsides and actually doing something to alleviate their sorrows?

We live in an age where everything needs to happen yesterday, but if we continue to apply that principle when it comes to our own wellbeing, where on earth will we end up?

Anyway, must dash.  The district nurse is here to administer her own special treatment....

Toodlepip!

Nelson Ramsbottom

Tired of the Whining

A CNN survey was released that said 72% of Americans are "Mad as hell and are not gonna take it anymore", quoting Howard Beal from the film, "Network". The study says that most Americans are pretty pissed about the way the country is being run and how the economy is bad and blah blah blah blah blah BLAH. People from a country that never has a homefront war, never has an epidemic, never has a serious famine...yes, things are rough because the economy blah blah blah. But do the American people have to bitch all the time? These people do not shut up about their problems. Just keep working. Things will get better. And these surveys are such a waste of time, too. The survey also says that Americans plan to do something about their anger. Yeah. "Do something". That sounds like a very well thought out plan. Stupid survey. I'm very upset about this.
-Texas Pete

Saving Ressources

In order to save energy, Governor Arnold Schwarzengger is monitoring how long his children stay under the shower. If they take more than 5 minutes, he just turns off the hot water, and the lovely childrens' shower is quickly resumed. Wasters of energy are going to be quickly terminated. I wonder though: when daddy Schwarzzy is not home, are the children taking 30 minutes Spa shower as a revenge?

Votre ami, Jacques Cuillère...

Middle East in Midtown

Hey guys!

Tiffany Feelings here with a weather report for Manhattan (that's NYC, k?) Looks like it's raining assholes.

SO.... not only is my EX (I don't wanna talk about it) boyfriend now living in sin with some slut (I said I don't wanna talk about it) in Hell's Kitchen, but on top of that, some douchebags from Libya and Iran visited the UN this week. Col Moammar Gadhafi of Libya (douchebag who was all, "Hey, Lockerbie bomber, here's a heroes welcome home!") and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (so-called President of Iran who was all "Holocaust? WTF? That's not real.") went to New York to talk about how great they both are for like an hour and a half straight. Gah, well, this island girl is very happy to not be living in New York in that amazing studio that she and her EX (Goddamn it! I DO NOT want to talk about it!) boyfriend picked out on craigslist and saved up to make the deposit on. FUCK.

So yeah. Rain. Rain rain rain. And cold. COLD-HEARTED!!!!!!

Snail's Pace

Good evening, and welcome back to season 2 of Meridian 13 News! I say, these world leaders are doing a rather shoddy job of slowing down climate change. At the UN Climate summit they've had a jolly good telling off by unsually upfront UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, warning that glaciers are melting faster than human progress to protect them, and they really do need to get their collective skates on.

It's quite ironic that the speed at which they are moving on this issue is equivalent to that of a glacier in happier, more frosty times.

Until next week this is Nelson Ramsbottom wishing you a tick-tocking week.

Good night!

Now's the time to catch up

We've had our first meeting for season two, and we're making some magic for you all!!

Get ready for new characters, new episodes, website updates, new website features, and our upcoming album!!

And just in case you aren't already aware, you can:

Follow us on Twitter

Become our fan on Facebook

Join our Facebook group

We're also open to suggestions!! Comment away.

cheers,

Geraldine Hairpiece

Back to your regularly scheduled programming

Hello, my pets! Geraline Hairpiece here.

You've probably noticed that we've taken a bit of a hiatus for the month. Even news mavens such as we here at Meridian 13 News need a summer vacation!

Anyway, I thought I'd catch you up on all the important news you've missed.

• Abdelbeset Ali Mohmed al Megrahi, the infamous Lockerbie bomber who bombed Pan Am flight 103 in 1988, causing the deaths of 270 people, was released from prison and returned home to his native Libya. He was released on "compassionate" grounds so that he can live out the end of his bout with terminal prostate cancer at home. It is estimated he has less than three months to live. Long story short, some people are quite pissed.
• Americans act retarded in general at a series of Town Hall meetings where they are supposed to be intelligently discussing the pros and cons of a universal healthcare policy the Obama administration wishes to adopt.
• Michael Vick, animal lover extrordinaire, is now playing American football with the Eagles. I think they're a band.
• A fifth-rate reality television contestant murdered a model and then was found dead in Canada. No one really cares.
• A woman in Malaysia is to be caned for drinking beer in public. Geraldine Hairpiece cancels Malaysian vacation plans.

We'll offer up more of our takes on global news. It's good to be back in the saddle. I also hope you're all getting excited for our September podcast which we haven't started writing!

Cheers!

Geraldine Hairpiece

Good News for Cheap Nerds

Hello, dearies. If you're anything like me or any of my Irish kin, you're a cheap bastard who doesn't like to pay for anything that has been fermented. Well, if that's the case, then have I got good news for you! You've probably been holding out for ages on purchasing any sort of word processing software, huh? You've probably been uses freeware online for ages now to type up report or create your resume. You probably have a hell of a time emailing files in useful or common formats to other people who aren't such cheapskates.  Fret no more, my thrifty friends. Microsoft, that money guzzling company that wouldn't fart in your face without first making you pay, has announced today that they're going to be joining the ranks of Google, Openoffice, Zoho, and oh so many more companies that got on the freeware wagon back when it was still the cool thing to do (in 2003 or so) by releasing a free online version of Microsoft Office 2010. Not only that, but they've stopped being such biggots and have made sure that this new software will be compatible with Safari and Firefox as well as their old-fashioned Internet Explorer browser.

I suppose this is pretty standard Microsoft procedure. You know? Doing something every single other company has done before you and better than you. Is Bill Gates Irish, too?

Toodlepip,

Geraldine Hairpiece

New Job for Palin?

I say! We Brits can be slightly potty at times, but this is going too far surely? Popular tourist destination Wookey Hole, is advertising for a live-in witch to inhabit their caves, be witchy, and generally do things that witches do. This is to give visitors as they pass through the caves an idea of what life was like in the Dark Ages - stemming from when an old woman used to live in the caves with goats and dogs, and allegedly caused all manner of ills.

The job pays £50,000 (about $81k) per year, pro rata. Peak seasons for visitors are generally Christmas and summer, so I assume at other times the witch is free to plan her presidential campaign. And the good news is, due to anti discrimination laws in the UK, the witch can also be male, so if Palin doesn't go for it, maybe TV presenter Grahame Norton can.

Hey Everybody - it's Episode 6!

Fashionably late, the Meridian 13 News team is proud to bring you Episode 6. With advice from Dr Jogia, warnings from Enzo, and an award ceremony in typically Irish fashion, it's what your mp3 player has been thirsty for!

Meridian 13 News Episode 6 [7th July 2009].mp3

Sweet dreams

Dear Geraldine,

My husband started snoring about two years into our marriage. I used to just nudge him to get him to stop, but as time went by, his snoring got louder and louder. Eventually I had to start sleeping on the couch. It's gotten so loud that I'm worried something might be wrong. What do you think we should do?

Sleepless,

Barb

Dear Barb,

So loud you had to switch rooms? My guess is your husband has sleep apnea. Sleep apnea affects over 18 million people in America alone. It occurs when the passages in the throat fail to stay open while you're sleeping. It causes shortness of breath and can make you choke. Most people who suffer from it wake up groggy and don't really get the rest they need from sleeping. Therefore, I suggest you do nothing about it. Your husband will probably be so drained that he'll fall asleep behind the wheel of a car, crash, and solve the snoring problem for you. Then not only are you off the couch, but your get your double bed completely to yourself! Plus people make the best food for you when you lose a spouse.

Hungry,

Geraldine Hairpiece

Booyah!

Hey gang. Just recovered from my Michael Jackson Memorial bender, and I'm finally back to a state where I can retain what I watch on the news. All this MJ will business is totally bad ass. While I was a little disappointed that I wasn't named as an heir to any of the King of Pop's estate (estimated to be worth $500 million), but I gotta acknowledge that Michael had some huge cajones. I've never been foolish enough to allow some girl to get a ring around my finger, probably because I don't use my real name in my sexcapades, but poor Michael has been hitched. And we all know that marriage is just a shortened word for scream fight messy divorce in which some ho fleeces you. But Mr. Jackson got to slap former wife Debbie Rowe in the face from beyond the grave by purposely leaving her out of his will as a potential guardian of his three kids (2 by her). Who's the new baby mama instead? Jackson's mom, and in the event that his momma died before him, MJ's will then names fucking Diana Ross as the guardian. How sweet is that?

Stay sober,

Jimmy

Total Bad-Ass

Good Afternoon, this is Cynthia Meridian, here to award my "You are a Total F**king Bad-Ass" award for the summer. I don't care that it's only July 1st. I'm ready to give the award now.

Ladies and Gentleman, the "You are a Total F**king Bad-Ass" award goes to Bahia Bakari, the SOLE survivor of the Yemeni Jet Crash on Tuesday. Ms. Bakari, a native of the southern suburbs of Paris, not only survived the actual plane crash into the ocean off the coast of Africa, but then she clung to a piece of wreckage for 14 hours! 14 hours people! I don't know anyone who could do anything for 14 hours, let alone survive in oceanic waters through the night.

While she does have a fractured collarbone and other related injuries, it is reported she is doing well while in recovery.

Congratulations Ms. Bakari. You are a Total F**king Bad-Ass.

Funding Fiasco

A jolly good morning to you all! Nelson Ramsbottom here, updating you on the latest world happenings, in-between watering my geraniums. Last time I watered something it got altogether very messy, but that's a story for another time....

According to a new Audit Commission report, schools in the UK are wasting nearly £1bn of public funding a year by hoarding it in bank accounts, and failing to shop around for the best deals on contracts and services. Now, my old headmaster was a thrifty soul, but at least he had the pupils' best interests at heart. I think nowadays too many folks 'drift' into teaching because it seems like an easy option, with better pension benefits (aha-ha), long summer holidays, and the opportunity to watch films and go to theme parks as the term draws to a close. This has led to a dire shortage of teachers who actually want to help youngsters grow, and a dirth of upper-management types who really couldn't give a shit if the school is well-run or not, as long as they can retire at 50 and move to Spain.

I say find the people who want to teach, make it an attractive proposition for them, and stop farming out educational services to private corporations whose sole aim is to be profitable. One company, who shall remain nameless, has made a real hash of providing services to education authorities around the country and is prepared to 'hand back' the contracts to the council. This company also runs several RAF bases around the country, and Group 4, a security firm renowned for losing prisoners in transit. Mr Brown, were they really the best choice to be looking after our children's interests? Really? Hmm?

I think I may have lost the thread on this blog. Nevermind... What-ho!

Letter Writing

Dear Geraldine,

I'm suddenly unemployed and I'm about to have a whole lot of free time. Could you suggest some ways to use some of that time?

Serving day 1 of the next 150 years,

Bernie Madoff

Dear Bernie,

Letter writing has always been a favorite activity of mine, and I used to encourage all the girls who went through Geraldine Hairpiece's School for Young Ladies in Need of Some Serious Coaching to write letters regularly as a way to express gratitude, answer invitations, or just keep in touch with friends and family.

Apology letters are also important, and according to federal investigators who have researched your investers, it looks like you have at least 1,341 apology letters to write. While I doubt that will take you a full 150 years, it should take up at least a couple of months.

After you finish off your letters, perhaps you should learn a foreign language. Italian is rather sexy, don't you think?

Serving drinks,

Geraldine Hairpiece

We'll keep it simple today

Rest in peace, Michael and Farrah.



My exes are dropping like flies.

Somber,


Geraldine Hairpiece

Three Cheers for Ms.LuPone!

Good Afternoon my dear Meridianites. Cynthia Meridian here, giving a loud "You go girl!" to Ms. Patti LuPone.

Now, as many of you listened to our podcast last month, you know that musical theater is something that is near and dear to us at Meridian 13 News. We take our musical theater seriously. So should you. And now we have no finer leader in this battle than the Broadway diva of all diva's, Patti LuPone.

While performing this past week in a concert, Ms. LuPone was startled to find someone on their cell phone. Were they taking a picture? Were they texting their friends? Were they checking their bank statement? One will never know. But one thing we do know, is that that bozo is an idiot of the first degree. Who the hell thinks they can just whip out a cell phone, blackberry, iPhone, whatever mobile internet device you choose to "tweet" on and ignore the performance at hand, ruining the experience for those around them, and insult the performer on stage.

To no surprise, Ms. LuPone stopped the performance to berate this first class ass-clown and let him know how disrespectful his actions were. She then returned to the concert to sing her classic "Don't Cry for me Argentina."

Brava, Ms. LuPone. Brava.

Shop Of Ages

Well hello! Nelson Ramsbottom here, enjoying what can only be described as typically English weather here on Meridian Island. It reminds me of the time when a female friend of mine got wet through. But that's a story for another time....

Baltimore teenager Brooke Greenberg is the size of an infant, and has the mental capacity of a toddler, but she is flummoxing doctors with her lack of chromosomal abnormality or genetic syndrome. The wee bairn turned 16 in January. That's right - 16 years of age! One doctor at the University of South Florida suggests that Brooke's body is developing out of sync wth itself, rather than as a coordinated unit, even thought she has not been diagnosed with any medical syndrome that mght help explain why.

One part of Brooke that clearly is developing along the same lines as her peers is her penchant for consumerism. "She loves to shop", says her mother Melanie. "Just like a woman".

Which just goes to show that the female tendency to shop unnecessarily is a genetic disfunction inherent in all females, which supersedes all and any laws of nature.

Goodnight!