Brewing Addiction

Dear Geraldine,

I've been drinking coffee and sodas for as long as I can remember, but I've been having panic attacks recently due to increased stress. I read that caffeine can increase the risk of panic attacks, so I'm trying to cut back, but I am having trouble. I was wondering if you have any advice.

Sincerely,

Buzz in Ohio

Dear Buzz,

First of all, oh boo-hoo, you big baby. Caffeine!

Secondly, I'm glad you're deciding to cut back. Addiction is one of my strong points, though I've never been much of a quitter. Anyway, caffeine addiction has been plaguing all sorts of people for a while now. Researchers are finding that people who drink a lot of  coffee, tea, or cola products tend to go through caffeine withdrawal when they cut back. I've heard that symptoms generally include headaches and crankiness, but I always think it's best to prepare for the worst. 

So if you're going to do something, go balls to the wall. No caffeine for you ever again. This cutting back gradually crap is for pussies. You'll want to get all caffeinated beverages out of your home. Also, have a friend take your car keys from you for a couple of days. Trust me. Every Monday when I try to quit drinking again, everything goes to hell as soon as I get behind the wheel. It's just straight to the liquor store. Don't tell anyone about that though. My license was revoked years ago.

Also, you'll probably vomit and get the shits at the same time, so keep near the toilet. The sweating, nausea, dilated pupils, and goosebumps go away in a couple of days, but fatigue, intense hunger, and psychotic reactions can last up to 8 weeks. I suggest you find ways to distract yourself from the horrid cravings. Take up smoking or opiates of some sort. They come in a wide variety of pills, injectables, and edibles these days.

Hope that helps.

Your friend,

Geraldine Hairpiece