Honey Honey

Dear Geraldine,

It's springtime here in the south, and I'm looking forward to my work in the garden providing me with apples, peaches, tomatoes, okra, sweet peas, and many other delicious fresh fruits and vegetables this summer. I was wondering if you had any favorite garden fresh recipes.

Thanks,
Brenda
Burmingham, AL

Dear Brenda,

First of all, Jacques is the recipe fellow. Secondly, back in Ireland we had this saying, "Never count your Guiness before you're drunk." Or something like that. Point is, I'd be highly shocked if you had any fruits or veggies this summer as the world is coming to an end, and it's all our own fault. I'm not talking about global warming. We've all heard enough about that. I'm talking about the horrid decline in bee populations around the planet! Bees and other pollenating insects have been declining in number steadily for the past decade now, and soon there won't be anything left to help your garden grow! You should be ashamed of yourself, you honey-guzzling whore. When was the last time you kept a beehive, hmm? I myself am an avid beekeeper and an active member of the Federation of Irish Beekeepers' Associations. Thankfully, on Tuesday a British consortium pledged $14.5 million to research what's going on, and to find a way to make sure that the bees and keep on buzzing. My guess though is that it's all your fault, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Buzzing with hatred,
Geraldine Hairpiece

P.S. I think you should make a peach cobbler. Fuck if I know how, but I think it'd be right nice.