DIY

Dear Geraldine,

I've been coughing and sneezing for three days now. I'm terrified I have the swine flu, but I live in a remote town on a mountainside. I don't think I can get to a doctor, I'm feeling so bad. What can I do?

Sickly,

Darrell

Dear Darrell,

First of all you're feeling bad-LY, not bad. Though poorly would be even better, you imbecile. Secondly, suck it up and take care of yourself, you big baby. A little old swine flu never hurt anyone.*

Take a little inspiration from Paul Sheriff. Paul is 11 years old and goes to public school in Queens, NY. Just based on that, I'd say he's got it a little tougher than you do, laddie. When Paul's school made budget cuts and got rid of the band, did Paul moan and whine and write me a boring email? No! Paul, at the tender age of 11, sucked it up and started the school band again on his own! He conducts and plays the piano and saxophone in the band, which rehearses daily at lunch and after school. Several other students have joined in, and Paul helps them to learn their instruments. He also picks out the music that they learn. They'll be playing at career day and graduation soon, but you'll probably just be bitching about a little old cold still.

Lazy git.

Your Friend,

Geraldine

*At time of this posting 152 deaths had been confirmed as results of swine flu. Geraldine was probably drunk when she wrote this.