16 cockroaches into your mouth

A pet store employee put 16 cockroaches in his month (all were at least 2 and an 1/2 inches) to try to be in the new Guiness World Record. The previous record was set to 11. The pet employee doesn't want to stop there; next year he said, he'll try for 20. After creating so many random record, it seems the Guiness World Record should rather create the record of stupidity. Do you think, the records holders are getting some $? No, nothing, just their name on a book, (♫) FAME...FAME...I WANNA LIVE FOREVER...BABY, REMEMBER MY NAME (♫).

Among the stupidest record from The Guiness book of R. : The record for most rotations while hanging from a power drill, the record for the heaviest vehicle pulled by hair (Ouch) and the record for the longest play session of Grand Theft Auto IV...

Oh,la,la!

Votre Ami, Jacques Cuillère.

Tolerance of Arabia

I say! Those Saudis have really stepped over the mark this time.... Perhaps not known for being the most tolerant of countries at the best of times, the authorities have now added to their global popularity by ordering a 22 year old woman to receive 60 lashes, after being charged with involvement in a television show in which a Saudi man talks about.... gasp, sex!

Now I know we Brits are viewed as the prudes of the world (why only the other day Jimmy accused me of hiding his copy of Playboy. We all know it was Geraldine who took it), but this over-reaction makes us Poms look like floozies.

The poor woman was only involved in preparing the program, and hadn't had any involvement with the episode in question. The man who talked about his active sex life was also charged, and ordered to receive 1,000 lashes.

Two points I wish to make:

1) Saudi Arabia - let it go. We all know your princes come over to London and have it away with high end prostitutes, so don't pretend you're above coitus.
2) Several of my friends would quite enjoy the punishment of being whipped. Whoever thought that would 'teach people a lesson' should take a trip to a dominatrix. Why, only the other day I had my......

Ahem.

Good night.

Fear of Flying!!!!!!

Just kidding. Would that not have been great tho? If I just did the same thing as the previous two? Pfhahaha. Nelson would have been pissed. Anyway, just wanted to give a shout out to Andrew Lloyd Wizzle. Prostate cancer is no fun. I know I'm a young man, but I've...let's not go into how I know. Andrew, I hope you get that taken care of and get back to work. Good thing it's in the early stages. Sounds like you're gonna be fine. Maybe it'll inspire a new show? Oh, man. I'll buy that ticket. "Prostate of Emergency" ? Anybody? Get well soon.
-Jimmy

More News about the distracted pilots on Northwest overflew their destination by 150 Miles!

As Geraldine wrote in her last blog: Two Northwest pilots neglected to make radio contact with the ground and overflew their destination by 150 miles. They discovered their mistake, turned around and landed safely. They were carrying 144 passengers. The pilots claim to have been distracted during a heated conversation about airline regulations. The National Transportation Safety Board does know if they might have been sleeping and is actually retrieving the recording conversation of the cockpit. It might be something like this:

"Hey Jack...Jack, wake up...wake up,sleepy bear!"

"Joe, let me sleep more, come on, after all that booze we drank"

"Come on, get a bloody may and let's call the stewardess again for a pre-landing goodie."

"Ok, if you are going to make it that diffi/

"Shit, Fuck, Fuck The fucking fuck!"

"What?"

"We overslept, we overflew, we're OVERFUCKED!"

Well, well...Also, last Monday, a Boeing 767 with 182 passengers landed on a taxiway instead of its runway at Atlanta's Hartsfield airport. At this rate, terrorists won't have to highjack planes anymore.

Oh,la,la!!!

Votre ami, Jacques Cuillère.

Fear of Flying

Dear Geraldine,

I have to make a cross-country trip, but I've never been in a plane before and am a little frightened. I was wondering if you had any pointers for dealing with a fear of flying.

Nauseous in Nevada,

Nadine

Dear Nadine,

Flying is perfectly safe, dearie. I do it all the time, though I must say those little bottles of booze on flights are just that -- LITTLE! Once you've downed about seven of them though, they start to have the right effect.

If you're afraid of flying though, you definitely don't need to read the news this week about the Northwest Airlines flight from San Diego to Minneapolis that overshot its destination airport by 150 miles and had little to no radio contact with flight control stations from the ground. It's suspected the flight was temporarily hijacked, as the only other explanation for the goof ups and lack of communication from the pilots and crew is that BOTH pilots fell asleep while manning a flight with 147 passengers, and I'll be damned if that idea isn't equally as terrifying as the image of the flight being hijacked.

And don't watch the news about the Delta flight that landed on the taxiway instead of the runway in Atlanta last week, nearly causing a collision between planes on the ground.

So, in short dearie, avoid all of the horrible stories about possible pilot incompetence, narrowly averted disasters, and actual flying related disasters (9/11 springs to mind), and drink yourself silly. That's what I do to make it through any flight.

Safe travels and bottoms up!

Geraldine Hairpiece

Cookie Diet my ass!

Good Afternoon everyone! Madame Enzo here with a report on weight loss. That's right, everybody's god damn favorite topic. But this time I have some rather exciting news for all of you lazy couch potatoes who are too stubborn to actually get off the couch, get on a treadmill, and start walking. Dr. Sanford Siegal has invented the "Cookie Diet" in which you eat his chemically altered cookies and magically you lose weight. Nevermind the fact that that's about all you eat. If I only ate 5 packets of 100 calorie cookies a day-I'd lose weight too. But who wants to do that? What would I do without my eggs benedict, chocolate souflee, and daily spoonfuls of lard? These space cookies probably taste like cardboard. Pieces of shit. You eat this cookies think bad breath, irregular bowl movements, and getting tested.

Knock, Knock, Who's There....

I say! Police in Lancashire, UK caught one woman rather by surprise when they battered down the door of her Preston home on Friday of last week. Elaine Squires was happily washing away her cares in the shower when police used a battering ram to knock down the front door and frighten her daughter half to death. Ms Squires assumed it was just the neighbours being noisy again, until she was dragged out of the shower, with just a towel between her birthday suit and Preston's finest.

The whole shennanigans was a mix up of addresses, according to the police, who had intended to carry out a drugs raid on a nearby house, but got somewhat confused since there were no house numbers on the Squires residence.

I dare say that the most amusing thing for me about this story is that there is so little going in Preston the local press are resorting to reporting amusing incidents like this one. Go Preston. You'll catch Susan Boyle up before too long.

Good evening!

Nelson Ramsbottom

BLOONS!

So...this kid in the balloon and the family and the reality tv-show mongering...what the fuck is this about? Is this really on television? Is this really in the NEWS? WHO CARES ABOUT THIS? WHO CARES ABOUT THESE CRAZY FUCKIN PEOPLE? Wife swap? My God this is getting out of control. Like seriously. Your fifteen minutes of being looked at is over. You are insignificant and boring and a waste of time. Go home and make dinner and go to work in the morning like regular people. Christ. Get over yourselves. You aren't worthy of being a narcissist.

Hey Everybody - It's Season 2 Episode 1

M13N S2 Episode 1.mp3

Saving everyone Time

Dear Geraldine,

It has recently been suggested to me that I step down from my job as the Justice of the Peace for Tangipahoa Parish's 8th Ward in Louisiana. Personally, I don't think there's any reason for me to do so. All of the hub-bub started when I wisely refused to offer a marriage license to an interracial couple. Now, I realize that, yes we are lisdxving in a time when newfangled laws say we have to pretend to tolerate ALL people, but I honestly don't think that's a reason to want to harm poor, innocent unborn children. Imagine how hard it must be to grow up as an interracial child! Not to mention the fact that as soon as that white woman realizes her mistake, the marriage will end in divorce. I think i just saved everyone some time and money. Don't you?

Please advice,

Keith Bardwell

Dear Justice Bardwell,

You are a fucktard.

cheers,

Geraldine Hairpiece.

What is 22 inches long and might be in the Guiness book of record?

It is the 18 year old birthday boy Khagendra Thapa Magar from Nepal. He tried to get in the world guiness book of record when he was 14 but got rejected parce que he was not an adult. But guess what? This time he is ready to take the the title of He Pingping of China, who is 29 inches tall. He (Khagendra, not He Pingping, oh and by the way it is Pingping not Pingpong,stupids!) might even try to star in the next "Brit's got talent" as the smallest talented guitar player in the world,

zut, sorry, the talented smallest guitar player in the world. Well, why not, Susan Boyle managed to do it. Anyway, congratulations Khagendra for making it soon in the Guiness Book of Records...who said "size doesn't matter?"

Votre ami, Jacques Cuillère,

Meridian13 News

Good Gandhi!

My oh my. There's a bit of a hoo-ha going on with our friends in India, all over a simple pen. It's not that said implement is in any way causing offense through it's use; it's guilt by association.

Montblanc has issued a commemorative Mahatma Gandhi pen complete with decorative images of the original father of India. Now, you may ask what's all the fuss about? Popping a picture of an old guy in glasses onto a pen isn't all that offensive, is it? But the pen retails for $23, 000, and when one bears in mind that one third of children in India suffer from malnutrition, not to mention the widespread poverty that prevails in the country, perhaps it is in poor taste.

To be fair, Montblanc made a sizeable donation to Gandhi's charity before any pens were sold, and have promised a further gift of up to $1000 per pen sold. And it's not like anyone's being forced to buy them. Least of all the Indian government officials who wear the pens in breast pockets with pride.

It's nice that they can afford such a luxury, when the average Indian worker would be lucky to make $23, 000 in a lifetime.

Season 1 Re-runs: Episode 6

Meridian 13 News Episode 6 [7th July 2009].mp3

Season 1 Re-runs: Episode 5

Meridian 13 News Episode 5 [6.6.09].mp3

Season 1 Re-runs: Episode 4

Meridian 13 News Episode 4 [5.2.09].mp3

Season 1 re-runs: Episode 3

Meridian 13 News Episode 3 [4_4_09].mp3

Season 1 re-runs: Episode 2

M13N EPISODE 2 [6_03_09].mp3

Season 1 Re-Runs!

Hey Everybody! Here's a chance to catch up on all of the Season 1 episodes, starting with episode 1. Oddly enough.

Meridian 13 News Episode 1.mp3

What weight 5 pounds and three onces and is 18 inches long?

Dirty minds! It's a baby...but there is a catch. Not the right parents! A fertility clinic in Ohio implanted Carolyn Savage with an embryo, then, 10 days later they call her to announce she was pregnant but with the wrong embryo. Oh la la! Was the doctor drunk? Did a nurse misread the label. However, the story has a partial happy ending as Mrs. Savage decided to give the baby boy back to their naturals parents who called her a "Guardian Angel." Must be hard for the family Savage but Bravo Carolyn.

Jacques Cuillère

Meridian 13 News

Hey Everybody - It's Season 2!!!!

We're back!! And so are you!! This month we hear from Madame Enzo (so chirpy), Travelling Jimmy (so quirky) and Ricky 'The Cougar - Rrraarrrr' Crenshaw (so dirty.) Don't forget if you want to subscribe to the podcast in iTunes, go to our website www.meridian13news.com and go to the podcast page. Have fun kids!

M13N S2 Episode 1.mp3

Tell Me Everything!

America's President Obama announced today that he "will end 'don't ask-don't tell.'" So first of all, we should all raise a glass to the President for the step towards creating a more tolerate America. Pretty simple, no?

And of course, this change in policy raises some questions. First of all, how many current soldiers will come out? Secondly, will this encourage more homosexual men and women to join the United States armed forces? And third, what are the new uniforms going to look like??? I mean, the Army already has a show choir now while don't ask-don't tell is still in effect, so I'm hoping they go all out in the fashion department.

I'm thinking something like the little number to the left. Would love to hear what the readers think about this.

Nutterman Loses The Plot

I say! It's one thing to have an affair, but quite another to try and use another man's, um, 'indiscretions' to extort money from him, no matter what his public status.

Now, while all my sympathy goes out to Regina, wronged spouse of David Letterman, who is undoubtedly hurt by his extra-curricular activities, just what the bloody hell does Mr Halderman (accused of an extortion attempt on Mr Letterman, after he found out about a string of affairs, including [allegedly] one with Mr Halderman's girlfriend) think he's doing? And what was I thinking trying to string such a convoluted sentence together with no attention to grammar?

Really Mr Halderman? If you weren't man enough to satisfy your girlfriend in the sack, and some old fellow off the television did the job for you, I certainly wouldn't be going all around the media shouting about it. Where's your self-respect?

You, sir, are what we call a penis. Now go and learn how to use yours to better advantage.

Goodnight!

Hands

So it turns out that washing your hands is a very important and helpful technique in preventing the contraction of the SWINE FLU! Oh really? I had no idea. Washing your hands is a good thing? Wow. Because I have been living in a hole seventy-five feet under the ground for the last 200 years and I haven't heard about basic sanitation. Is this really a news piece? Is this REALLY a good masking of news media scare tactics? Turns out you need to wash your hands or else you will die. OH NO!!!! WHAT ELSE DO WE NEED TO KNOW??? I'LL STAY TUNED IN!!!

Jesus Christ.
-Jimmy

Money, money, money...

Tragic news in the richest world: Warren Buffett, the second richest American citizen lost $10 billion as the shares of his business fell. $10 billion? I think I would need to work 6000 years to get close to this amount....mind you, it must be a lot of pressure to lose as much. Don't worry, he is still ok: he now only worth $40 billion. You might still have to cut your morning Starbucks' grande latte and the pop corn during movie night, Mr. Buffet... Malheureusement, most of the American billionaires are suffering as much from the recession and even worst (sorry, nothing personal!) their loss is also affecting directly affecting the life of less "fortunate" citizens. Meridian 13 News is also suffering from this crisis, so Mr. Buffet, if you have any spare change from this $40 billion left, we accept donations.

Votre ami, truly, Jacques Cuillère,

From Meridian 13 News