Ho,ho,ho

It's official! Santa doesn't want cookie and milk but the "Swine Flu" (N1H1 virus) vaccine. His syndicate is worried coz obesity could be a risk factor. Of course there is only one Santa but it has been established that among the other American Santa 2/3 are overweight and 1/3 is very, very, very obese! Come on Santas, keep up with the aerobics! The syndicate of the Santa is asking to be put all the Santason the priority list for the vaccine: of course, we doesn't want any kids to get sick! So Santas, I sincerely hope you get your shots and please don't forget my check this Christmas. And talking about christmas, get ready for Meridian 13 News' Christmas Episode!

Jacques Cuillère.

bwahahaha!

Hello Dearies,

Hope none of you are in Texas and want to get married. BECAUSE YOU CAN'T! In 2005 when an constitutional amendment was added in Texas to ban same-sex marriages and domestic partnerships, a clause is subsection B stated, "This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage." That's right. NO MARRIAGES.

Excellent job, biggots.

Drink up!
Geraldine Hairpiece

Bad Dream Ends In Horror

This is one of the most tragic news stories I have read in a long time. Brian Thomas, a father of two, who suffers from a chronic sleep disorder is on trial for killing his wife while on holiday in Wales.

Mr Thomas dreamt that an intruder had broken into the couple's campervan. He tried to tackle the intruder, but instead strangled his childhood sweetheart and wife of 4o years.

His distressing 999 emergency call after he had strangled her was played in court. In it he said: "What have I done? I've been trying to wake her. I think I've killed my wife. Oh my God. I thought someone had broken in."

The prosecution is asking the jury for a not guilty verdict, on the basis that Mr Thomas' sleep disorder means his behaviour was consistent with the legal definition of automatism. At the time of the killing he was asleep, and his mind had no control over what his body was doing.

Our thoughts go out to Mr Thomas and his family.

Shit happens!

A plant converting cow's manure (Cow's pooh or "caca de vache" as we say in France) opened a week ago in Netherlands. It will be used as fuel to power thermal plant's gas turbine and will provide heat for 1100 homes. The recipe: you just have to mix cow's shits with grass and food industry residues and you get the best fuel ever, and it smells wonderful.

I couldn't resist, here is a nice picture for you:

Netherlands doesn't have to only be famous anymore for the gouda and Amsterdam's pot and hoes! Guess what, shit really happens!

Votre Ami, Jacques Cuillère.

It's all in my book

Well hi there Miss Geraldine,

Doncha know, my life was goin' just super-duper until these silly old anonymous "McCain officials" came forward and said I was pullin' a Pinocchio in my new book ("Going Rogue" and hittin' shelves in bookstores nationwide this comin' Tuesday! You betcha!). All I said was that I was billed $50,000 for, you know, various, um, things by the McCain campaign before they named me as the Vice President! I'm sorry... Vice presidential nominee. Now some no name little noodle noggin punk is trying to mess up everything by declaring that what I claim is "one hundred percent untrue." Well, here's a newsflash for you, Joe Jackass, it's true that SOMEBODY billed me $50,000 and that's a big hunka change, doncha know!? Right. Anyway, I hear you give advice, so I figured I'd write you a letter. Whaddaya think I should do about this no name official, huh? I got a loaded shotgun on the back of my ATV.

Smiles and Polar Bears,
Sarah Palin

Dear Mrs. Palin,

Loaded shotgun, eh? I get the impression that you're really a woman of substance who wants nothing more than to improve this world we're in for future generations. The answer seems all too obvious to me...

cheers,
Geraldine Hairpiece

The Heart of Africa

I say! As if it's not enough to be buying up American debt, China have now offered a multi-billion dollar package of financial and technical assistance to African nations. At the Forum on China-Africa Cooperation Prime Minister Wen Jiabao has pledged $10 billion in low interest loans, double the amount at the last meeting in 2006. On top of all that, China has promised to forgive the remaining debt on certain interest-free loans granted to some African nations.

Jolly nice of them I say, since most of the West a) can't afford to help any more, and b) adds pesky conditions to loans, like asking for improvements in the way countries are governed. I mean, who wants to see democracy flourish in Africa? Not the Chinese. Much better for them to keep the nations unstable, so they can exploit the continent's mineral and oil reserves.

While you're at it China, why not pile into hundreds of starving children with tanks, in an attempt to recreate your Tiananmen Square acheivements....

Good night!

I.O.U. vandalism

So a fellow tagger in Florida ran out of spray paint the other day and didn't finish his tag. He left a note for the cops to find that said something like, "Guys, I ran out of paint. I'll save up for some more. But until then, it's supposed to be a tree...if you squint both eyes..." actually that's just speculation on my part. That's what would happen to me when I'd forget about assignments in school. "dear teacher. i ran out of time...it's supposed to be a completed essay, if you only read the first page." I think kids should tag their homework instead of printing it. If I were a teacher, I would say at the top of my worksheets "please tag illegibly". Man. I was great in art class.
Sweet.

-Jimmy

Hey Everybody! It's Season 2 Episode 2

Packed with Novembery goodness, with a Swine Flu update from Tiffany Feelings, Fat Staxx, Nelson Ramsbottom's world view, Jacques reporting from Sweden, a new correspondent AND Cynthia's own editorial! Phew....

M13N S2E2.mp3

R u up 4 2gether time?

Hello, dearies.

Geraldine Hairpiece here with a bit of advice on how to have a social life. First of all, have a social life. Know people in person. Step away from the keyboard, the cell phone, the Blackberry. Look at a person, not an avatar or what have you, in the face and say something using real words and sentences. It's the first step.

It's been argued that Americans are more isolated and less social than they used to be. It's been suggested that technologies such as cell phones and the internet. A recent study suggests that people who frequently use cellular phones and social networking websites do not prevent people from getting out and meeting new people or spending time in social settings such as cafes or parks. However, due to the distance spanning abilities of these social networking websites and the mobility provided by cellular phones, people's social circles are now just more spread out. Your friends are people who live across the city or the state or the country or the world from you, not just your neighbors. In fact, people who use social networking sites such as Facebook are thought to be 30% less likely to know their neighbors.

I suppose there's nothing wrong with not knowing your neighbors, but I'll be fucked if those "friends" over the internet will be there to pour you some scotch when you run out. Know your neighbors, dearies! They're the owners of the liquor cabinets closest to you!

cheers,
Geraldine Hairpiece

Oscar Night Hot Flashes

Good Afternoon everybody! Madame Enzo here. And I'm just going to come right out and say it. I need a cold shower. A really, long cold shower. And you want to know why? Only the two sexiest men to ever exist in showbiz are going to be hosting the 82nd Academy Awards TOGETHER in March 2010.

Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin.

Now I don't know what gets you kids off today, but there's nothing like the team up of a banjo playing silver haired stud and a once svelte velvet voiced gentleman with a messed up family. If it were up to me, I'd let Mr. Martin strum my strings any day and Mr. Baldwin could sweep me away into his 30 Rock dressing room for as long as he would like.

All funny business and sexual fantasies aside, the two really do make an excellent comedic match up and the telecast's producers, Adam Shankman and Bill Mechanic, are quoted as saying they think they are "perfect." And I agree.

Though I do worry about my blood pressure acting up as I watch the two men regale us with songs and stories of the years nominees and categories. Watching the Oscars this year then, can only mean three things: Lighting candles, heavy breathing, and getting tested.