Good afternoon, Dr Jogia here with a rather saddening report from the country of my education, Great Britain. A new poll suggests that British workers are experiencing panic attacks and insomnia as a result of the economic downturn.

Half of the workers polled admitted to being stressed, while one in five suffered from depression. Workers revealed they were drinking more, smoking more, self-medicating using over-the-counter medicines, and comfort eating.

Goodness gracious! It is only a recession! I suggest you get a grip, and stop using the economy as an excuse for not facing up to the fact that you hate your job and should have left years ago.

My prescription: meditation, plenty of vegetables, and get off your backside. Your time on this planet is short; use it wisely.

Congrats

It's that time of year again, ladies and gents. It's time to award the Geraldine Hairpiece "Just Don't Give a Fuck" Award!

Competition was fierce as there are quite a few people out there who really just don't give a fuck, but in the end it came down to one little girl in Missouri.

Darian, a 10 year old who has to do such tedious tasks as shoveling chicken shit and moving hay on the farm where she lives, fell down in the barn and landed, with shocking accuracy, on a fucking pitchfork. What happened?? Well, the prongs of the pitchfork went clear through Darian's little leg. Her mother called 911, and Darian was taken in a helicopter to a hospital where she was x-rayed and had the prong removed from her leg. Darian now has a staph infection. How did our 10 year old heroine respond to all of this trauma? Darian didn't shed a tear and said that flying in the helicopter was  "awesome."

Congratulations Darian. You're complete inability to give a fuck has made you the 2009 winner of the Geraldine Hairpiece "Just Don't Give a Fuck" Award.

The Grateful Dead

Well, I say! Those antipodean beer-guzzlers have really cut the mustard this time. I remember once visiting my Great Aunt Nelly in Woollongonga Beach, and got into all sorts of trouble with a possum, but that's a story for another time...

Apparently the Australian government have been trying to stimulate the economy by giving cash handouts of A$900 to every taxpayer in the country. Except ministers have admitted about A$25m went to Australians living overseas....

But wait! The best is yet to come. Somewhere in the region of A$14m has gone to recipients who are no longer with us. That's right. Oodles of cash paid out to dead people, in the hope they'll rise from the grave and pop to the local shopping mall to buy some new glad rags to take back to the tomb with them.

Well done Lindsay Tanner!

This is Nelson Rambsottom wishing you all a good evening!

Identity Crisis

Dear Geraldine,

I've felt for a while that I'm losing myself. I hate my job, I don't know my own children, and on top of that I was diagnosed with cancer a year ago, and the medication I'm taking, capecitabine, causes the skin on my hands and feet to peel severely, leaving me without fingerprints! It's like a sign from the universe that I just don't know who I am anymore! What can I do to feel more like myself again?

Lost,
Betty

Dear Betty,

No fingerprints, huh? Quit bitching and start stealing, you idiot!

Found,
Geraldine Hairpiece

The End of the World?

Good Afternoon Everybody, Madame Enzo here with this week's horoscope report. We're in late May here people, so I'm talking to you Geminis, that's right, the twins! Really, I just think all Geminis tend to suffer from multiple personality disorders. But that's neither here nor there and my Iced Strawberry poptart is getting cold.

Here's the deal. Geminis, I got some bad news for you folks. Does the year 2012 mean anything to you? Because it damn well should, and if it didn't before, it will now, thanks to me. Basically, you got about 3 and half years left to live. Back in the olden days, and no, not just when I was getting ready for my junior prom, the Mayans predicted that the world would end on December 21, 2012. Of course, they didn't really have anything to worry about, being so far away from doomsday themselves, so they just threw that little prediction out into the universe and went on their merry way carving terraces into the sides of mountains and sacrificing and eating humans and their hearts.

But here's where it gets sticky. Because, I, yours truly, Madame Enzo, can see into the future, this we all know, and while the whole world may not be ending on December 21, 2012, all Geminis will cease to exist at that time. If you are worried about how to prepare for this day, there are a number of books published about this devastating holiday coming up, available at your local bookstore. Or, I am always available for a consultation (small fee included+foot massage) to help you see into the next three years of your life and what you should be focusing on as you gear up for the big day.

In the meantime Geminis, put down that piece of pizza and lemonade, so you can enjoy what's left of your pathetic existence. It's bathing suit season coming up! And the last thing you want is to land yourself in Weight Watchers for the entire summer. Think starving housewifes, food journals, and getting tested.

Childs Play

I say! This interweb shopping thingy is getting a bit out of hand. Why, the other day I ordered a whole new set of croquet balls whilst trying to update my Twitter status, but that's a story for another time....

In Wellington, New Zealand this week a mother got the shock of her life when her 3 year old daughter carried on with some online shopping alone. Pipi Quinlan had been bidding for toys on the auction site TradeMe, before taking a nap. Only her daughter carried on clicking while she slept and ended up purchasing an earth-moving digger, costing a whopping $20,000 NZ. Now, that's about five new English pennies given the current economic climate, but for the poor Kiwi family it's actually rather a lot of money.

Fortunately dear old Pipi was able to clear the whole business up with TradeMe, who refunded the seller's costs and popped the digger back up for sale. Jolly good show I say. Where on earth would they have kept the thing?

This is Nelson Ramsbottom wishing you a pleasant evening!

Letting Go of the Go Button

Dear Geraldine,

I am a big fan of your help columns. Maybe you can help me out. I've been spending a lot of time trying to better myself and develop new skills. However, one of these skills seems to be angering my best friend. I don't really have a lot of friends, and I had a pretty rough year (including suffering a stroke last August), so I need the few friends I have. That's why I want to know what you think I should do. China is really pissed at me for setting off a second nuclear weapon.

thanks,

Kim Jong Il

Dear Kim Jong Il,

I suggest you take a good look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud, "I am worth loving." You are a human being, and you are worth knowing and caring about. You don't need to display your strength through nuclear testing. Don't worry about what others think of you. Just be yourself and love yourself and know that if someone judges you because you don't have nuclear weapons, that person (or country) is not worth impressing. They are less than you.

Now put down the "go button," tell China you're sorry and you value their friendship, and get out there and live the fullest life you can!

Cheers,

Geraldine Hairpiece

I guess it's like raining in like Florida

So, like, I'm here in sunny California, and like out of nowhere, there's like this big funky shadow. Don't go messing with my tanlines, big funky shadow. I mean, like gross, right? So anyway, I was all, "what the hell?" and so I like Googled it or some stuff, you know? Anyway, I guess it's like raining in Florida or something, so like this big spaceship had to land in California. Like NASA has this Atlantis thing, it's like a plane but for outer space with like aliens and stuff or something. This big Atlantis was like flying in space so the astronauts (who are like so cute, right? I love that Ben Affleck movie!), could do some stuff to some like asteroid or something called Hubble or whatever.

Anyway, sucks to live in Florida today with that icky icky rain. Like ew.

xoxo,

Tiffany Feelings, weathergirl

Hop, Skip and a Push....

Good evening! Nelson Ramsbottom here with another world view for the Meridian 13 News Team. I must say, I've had rather a spot of trouble getting my hydrangea to flower this week, but that's a story for another time....

Anyway back to my story. It's all been happening on the Haizhu Bridge in Southern China this week. Old Mr Chen Fuchao was so fed up with his debt problems (and who isn't?!) that he climbed on to the bridge, a popular spot for 'jumpers', and threatened to jump. His money issues started when a construction project fell through apparently. Now, I don't mean to preach, but really! If you're going to do it, do it properly. Chen held up the traffic on the bridge for hours on end as police tried to coax him down from his perch. He'd have been far better risking his life on a coach journey down the M6 in Worcestershire.... Anyway, to cut a long story short one driver got so impatient he broke through the police courdon, shook hands with Mr Fuchao, by way of a greeting, then promptly pushed the old fellow off! Jolly good show! For better or worse Chen landed on a partially inflated emergency air cushion, and suffered only minor injuries, from which he is recovering in a local hospital.

I'm sure Confucius would have had one or two things to say about this, but I'm buggered if I know what they would have been....

Good night!

Poor Little Devils

Dear Geraldine,

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so heartbroken over the fact that the Tasmanian devil has been put on the Australian endangered species list. Apparently they have developed one of the world's three contagious forms of cancer. It causes tumors on their cute little faces and it's spread through biting. Australian officials have set aside $7.8 million for research purposes, but what if this isn't enough? What can I do to help the Tasmanian devil??

Concerned,

Animal Lover in Australia

Dear Animal Lover,

What the fuck are you talking about?

Concerned,

Geraldine Hairpiece

Laying claim to the people

I say! Nelson Ramsbottom here on this jolly May evening on Meridian Island. I remember once learning to dance round a Maypole at this time of year, as part of an olde English tradition, and getting all tied up in the ribbons. The Morris Dancers I was with were not in the least bit nice. But that's a story for another day...

Anyway, Gordon Brown is attempting once more to revive his flagging popularity with the citizens of Blighty by announcing that all claims for expenses made by MP's over the last four years are to be investigated by an independent committee. Now, it's common knowledge that anyone working at Westminster does there darndest to fiddle as much money from the taxpayer as possible, whether it's profiting from the sale of a second home that has already been subsidised by taxpayers money, or accepting 'gifts' from other politicians of the world without saying a jot about it. What on earth has possessed the leaders of all three major political parties to start scrutinising their own I'll never know, but now old Brown eyes has got involved it's all become very official.

While some say the days of claiming multitude expenses is over, I ask, why were those days allowed in the first place? MP's get a hefty salary, plus the connections to ensure they'll never be short of a job should they lose favour with their constituents. Why did they ever need to claim expenses, and when did it get so out of hand that one MP was able to claim £10, 000 (about $6million NZ) for a designer makeover of his London home? I say it's about time the British people reviewed just how much these nonces are costing them!

On that note I have to go and do some consultancy work for David Cameron. He's paying cash.

Good night!

Like, Thank Goodness!

Like, hi, guys! So I don't know what all the big deal is, because I like, don't care really, but like whatever. What I mean is, like, I totes hate it when pretty girls who work really hard to be pretty (it's not easy!) get given nice things and then have them revoked. I hate indian givers. I mean, like, what gives? Anyway, Miss California USA, who is like, totally pretty, was really worried, because like, some people were saying she would like lose her title, which like totally sucks! But apparently everyone got over whatever it was she did, and now, like Donald Trump, who is loaded, said she could like stay Miss California USA after all. I mean, apparently all she did was say she likes opposite marriage and then go do non-profit work, right? Who knows what that means, but like, whatever. It's still nice to know that, like, looks can get you EVERYTHING YOU WANT!

xoxo,

Tiffany Feelings, Weathergirl

M.V.P.

Ricky “The Cougar” Crenshaw here and boy my barn WAS burning before my tears washed away the fire. Unfortunately, LeBron James won the MVP award this past week. We all know I detest two things most in this world: denying after supplying and someone else’s kids loving their father more than my Ricky Jr. loves me. Yes, James won the Most Valuable Parent award this past week. This MVP award is presented each year to an athlete who’s as strong a presence as a parental figure as they do prowess in their respective game. The American Society of Supporting Healthy Adult Training (ASSHAT) felt that James was leading a life that all adults around the United States should aim at mimicking: make millions and hire a nanny to take care of your bastard children that you had out of wedlock with your high school girlfriend that you still haven’t married yet because you’re addicted to all the fucking pussy you get because you’re Lebron fucking James. Hmmm. Well, maybe ASSHAT got it right…

James accepted the award in the backseat of his 2000 Chevy Impala – the site of the copulation of his first child.

Hormone Balance?

Good Evening Meridianites!

Cynthia here, with a report that is probably more suited to Ricky "The Cougar" Crenshaw, but I'll go ahead and say that my barn is burnin' as well, over the absolute ridiculousness that is Manny Ramirez.

If it's not one thing with this guy, it's another.

First, someone really needs to take him back into the locker room and get him re-fitted for his uniform. It's poor taste and quite unattractive if you ask to me to be running around the diamond in what looks like pajamas.

Second, his mood swings and literally "dropping the ball" on some games, by just feeling like he doesn't want to play, is no way to lead a major baseball team. Especially when his fan base is as large as it is. Not to mention playing poorly for the Red Sox in the hopes of being traded. Good on you there, Manny.

Third, his hair. No further comment.

And for my fourth and final comment, his most recent suspension from baseball for 50 games for using the hormone human chorionic gonadotropin, or HCG, which is typically taken by women to increase fertility. When taken by a man, it can increase testosterone, but more importantly, it is known to help men get back on track after anabolic steriod use (returns the testes to normal size and reestablishes normal hormonal balance).

What a shame then, to realize that Manny Ramirez was probably using steriods. Because he was a talented ballplayer, frequently hitting fly balls into his Mannywood section at the Dodgers Statdium. But now, whatever talent he does have, is mostly likely, discredited.

Alas.

This is Cynthia Meridian wishing you all a pleasant evening.

Not only in Amsterdam...

Good Evening my dear Meridianites!

Dr. Jogia here with a staggeringly wonderful health report. The governor of California, Mr. Arnold "Hasta La Vista, Baby" Schwarzenegger, has recently stated that he believes it is time to debate the possible merits in legalizing marijuana in the United States. To quote the Governator himself, "Well, I think it's not time for (legalization), but I think it's time for a debate."

But here's the catch, something that maybe the governor may not realize. Debates, much like marijuana, are often thought of as the "gateway drug" to progress... and in this case, the legalization and taxation of marijuana for recreational use. So what a fine idea debate would be!

Marijuana is already legal in California for medicinal purposes, but by taxing the recreational use of marijuana we all know that would spike the economy like a bad kool-air prom punch requires this time of year.

It would also most likely lower the arrests made each year for possession of such a small organic plant that is only trying to make someone's night a little easier and keeps canned icing, pizza bagels, and cookie dough in a tub flying off the shelves.

A little weed never hurt anyone right?

Right.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've just purchased a new bag of lime tortilla chips and salsa and have to, well...I have some business to attend to.

TaTa!

Exit, stage left

Good evening! Nelson Ramsbottom here with this week's world view. I've been quite busy recently writing my memoirs of my time at Eton, inspired after I'd seen Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban last week. Of course we didn't have magic wands, but the professors certainly did. But that's a story for another post. Perhaps. Anyway, where was I?.... Ah yes.

Now I know it's easy to forget about what's happening in the middle east with everything that's occupying our little minds at the moment; everything from economic flu to swine downturn and whatnot. But I was greatly relieved to hear that, after more than 6 years of activity, Britain has finally ended it's military mission in Iraq. The whole shannanigans began as a result of two idiots getting together and having a really jolly good idea. Well, actually one idiot bullied the other spineless 'colleague' into joining him, whatever the cost. Said spineless colleague lied to the people who had put him in charge of their country, spent an awful lot of money (that probably came from a sub-prime mortgage), and generally behaved like an idiot. The bully was just, well, stupid. Thankfully those buffoons are well out of the way now (although I have to say the replacement in Blighty isn't much better), but the damage has been done. I have nothing but admiration for the bravery and dedication of the troops who passed through Iraq, and sympathy for the families of those who lost their lives for a lumpen turdbucket in Downing Street, and a strawhead in Washington. Welcome home boys!

Until next week, tatty-bye!

Why many one when you can help one?

Someone once said "You can't do all the good in the world, but the world needs all the good you can do." I think they were speaking specifically to Madonna. This 50-year-old pop diva, who for some reason now speaks with a British accent, has decided that all the good she can do is fight for adopting trendy African children. In fact, despite having legal troubles with the country of Malawi and the supposed father of the little girl she hopes to adopt, Madonna is charging in with her eerily toned arms a-flailing to take her little Malawian girl home. Well, I think it's lovely that this multi-millionaire has decided that once the red tape goes up she will continue to fight to adopt this specific little girl who already has a parent looking after her instead of, I don't know, looking for a parent-less child from anywhere else in the world (why would you want a baby that wasn't African though?). Eye of the Child, a child services organization out of Malawi, has suggested that perhaps Madonna should stop looking for toddler arm candy and use some of her money to help multiple children currently living in Malawi by donating to child aid organizations or setting up a school. Madonna though, has determined that she indeed can't do all the good in the world, but that the world does need all the good she can do, and that good which she can do is clearly limited.

disappointed,
Geraldine Hairpiece

Ricky "The Cougar" Crenshaw's Sunday Night Sports Blog will not occur this evening due to his recent admission to an area hospital due to the anal tetanus caused by the tarnished forks he shoved into his ass at last weeks NFL Draft.

Ricky "The Cougar" Crenshaw's Sunday Night Sports Blod will return next week.

Hey Everybody - It's Episode 4!!!!

Featuring a rapping priest, new sports presenter Ricky The Cougar 'Rarrr' Crenshaw, Nelson Ramsbottom's Worldview, advice from Geraldine, and Madame Enzo's predictions, it's jam packed full of spring fun!!

Meridian 13 News is written by:
Becca Anderson
Julian Blackmore
Dimitri Landrain
Emily Peters
James Yates

This month features guest writer/performer J. Sebastian Fabal. Thanks Sebastian!!

Meridian 13 News Episode 4 [5.2.09].mp3

Hey guys...Jimmy here. I just had an amazing dream, and when I woke up, my friends told me it was true...I had seen it on the news while I was boozin it up late night. This kid with Assburgers...huhuhuhuh...sorry. Not something I would order from the dollar menu...anyway...this kid is 13 and stole his dad's credit card and booked two flights from the east coast to san jose and got on the flights with NO identification. Rad! I wish I could do that when they take my i.d. away at the courthouse. This kid flew without his parents knowing it just because he loves the idea of flying. What a badass. Check into it.
-Jimmy

Small men's come back!

Hajnal Ban, an Australian politician who was 5 feet grew to 5 feet 3 after having bone stretching surgery in Russia.  Doctors broke in several places then inserted wire rings to lengthen the legs.  Hajnal Ban declares: "God made me small, Surgery made me tall".  Rumors even say that medicine could be stretching plenty of other parts of a man's body...Imagine... This could drastically change the life of a lot of men, such as my dear co-reporter Nelson Ramsbottom.        Oh la la ! All will rise soon, tall and proud.

Hope is here for those who don't want to be small anymore.

Nelson...you are going to be OK.

Votre ami, Jacques Cuillère.