Lady Macbeth Syndrome

Hey Gang. Madame Enzo here. This horoscope is going to be short since I'm only letting myself out of my bedroom for 15 minutes at a time because of this goddamn swine flu pandemic. Word has it that the WHO has raised the alert level to a 4, out a of a possible 6. Which means, by my calculations and the moons of Jupiter and Leo being in the 4th house, that we will reach a pandemic level by the end of the week. If you work in a hospital, an airport, or a Forever 21 I highly reccomend you quit your job, stay away from Mexican food, and stock up on a high bleach hand wash, to make sure you don't let this nasty little swine flu take over your body. If you are a Taurus though, you're screwed, you'll end up needing an iron lung and losing the savings that you already don't have or maybe death. The swine flu is real. Think washing your hands 600 times a day, unattractive face masks, and getting tested.

This little piggy...

Good Morning! Nelson Ramsbottom here. Well, we have had a fine day of sunshine again today here on Meridian Island. It's so hot old Jacques has been out in shorts, which is a rare sight, and quite frankly not one I'd like to see repeated too often. Now Cynthia on the other hand, well... But that's a story for another post I suppose.

Off we pop over to Belgrade, where there's been some strange happenings afoot in State-owned textile company Raska Holding. Now, this company was a major textile producer in the 1980's, employing over 4, 000, and possibly creating garments worn by the likes of Duran Duran and Debbie Gibson. But since the collapse of the former Yugoslavia, and the ensuing wars and whatnot, the workforce has been whittled down to a measly 100. Some of these poor blighters haven't been paid for years, and this is where the trouble has flared up. Zoran Bulatovic wanted to show his employers just how desperate he and his fellow workers are: many cannot afford real food, so Zoran took it upon himself to demonstrate alternative food sources by sawing off most of his left hand little finger, and eating it. That's right. Eating it. As if sawing the little fellow off wasn't enough of a demonstration....

Further planned self-mutilations by the workers have been postponed until after talks with government officials. Jolly right too, I say! Now, where did I put my cocktail sausages?....

DIY

Dear Geraldine,

I've been coughing and sneezing for three days now. I'm terrified I have the swine flu, but I live in a remote town on a mountainside. I don't think I can get to a doctor, I'm feeling so bad. What can I do?

Sickly,

Darrell

Dear Darrell,

First of all you're feeling bad-LY, not bad. Though poorly would be even better, you imbecile. Secondly, suck it up and take care of yourself, you big baby. A little old swine flu never hurt anyone.*

Take a little inspiration from Paul Sheriff. Paul is 11 years old and goes to public school in Queens, NY. Just based on that, I'd say he's got it a little tougher than you do, laddie. When Paul's school made budget cuts and got rid of the band, did Paul moan and whine and write me a boring email? No! Paul, at the tender age of 11, sucked it up and started the school band again on his own! He conducts and plays the piano and saxophone in the band, which rehearses daily at lunch and after school. Several other students have joined in, and Paul helps them to learn their instruments. He also picks out the music that they learn. They'll be playing at career day and graduation soon, but you'll probably just be bitching about a little old cold still.

Lazy git.

Your Friend,

Geraldine

*At time of this posting 152 deaths had been confirmed as results of swine flu. Geraldine was probably drunk when she wrote this.

(1 to 32) X 7 = Dear, God...take me now...

Hello, Merry Meridianites. Ricky “The Cougar” Crenshaw coming at you from Radio City Music Hall reporting on the 2009 NFL Draft and boy is my barn burning! My loyal readers, you all know that I’m an easy going, God fearing man, but I have a strong distaste for two things: tarnished silverware and repetitive sequential counting. So welcome to your fucking 2009 NFL draft: a guaranteed seven rounds of counting to thirty-two in as slow a pace as possible. And it is painful. Painful. And I hate pain.

And, my fair Meridianites, you all know I’m a take charge type guy. I’m a pass the biscuits one more time round the table type guy. The type of guy who’s first to laugh at a funny accent or a lost foreigner. Or even the type of guy who’s take charge enough to ask Ricky Jr.’s mother to let me skip another month of child support because I blew last month’s income on some antique silverware I got real cheap in Chinatown (it wasn’t tarnished at the time). So, as you can imagine, by the time we got to the number “14” for the fourth consecutive time, I was ready to take matters into my own hands. So I take one of my newly purchased Chinatown antique forks and I shove it up my ass. If I’m going to hurt this much, God damn it, I’m going to do it to myself…

All in all, the 2009 NFL draft didn’t get any more bearable, but at least I had a good reason to cry. I tarnished my forks…

Fear of Flying

Dear Geraldine,

I'm a high school senior graduating in just a few weeks, and I'm very excited to go off to college next fall. However, my college is over a thousand miles away from where I live. I think I'll be able to sort out all the homesickness issues and learning how to do my own laundry, but I'm terrified of flying. I'd take a train to school, but it costs almost double what the flight costs, and the train would take much longer, so I'm just going to bite the bullet and fly. I was wondering if you had any tips for how to get over my fear.

Sincerely,
Madison

Dear Madison,

First off, your fear is well founded. Planes crash all the time and you never survive plane crashes. The worst thing is, even if the conditions are picture perfect out, you're still probably going to fly into a flock of geese and die. In fact, a federal database was just opened to the public on Friday to show just how often birds and planes collide. The data shows that 98,328 bird-plane collisions have occurred since 1990. And that's just the incidents that are reported. Think of all those mystery crashes in the ocean that went unexplained! Birds.

So my advice to you is prepare for death. Kiss your loved ones goodbye, leave a will, and enjoy those tiny bottles of vodka you can buy on planes. They're absolut-ly adorable!

Bottoms up!
Geraldine

Episode 3 Refresher

Meridian 13 News Episode 3 [4_4_09].mp3

Poor Little Polo Ponies

Je suis triste. There was a horrible tragedy in the world of polo this weekend. 21 polo horses died on Sunday, due to drug overdoses. The Humane Society of the United States is hoping that this tragedy will encourage the polo community to start drug testing the horses that participate in the sport. Currently there are no drug regulations for the horses. The 21 horses that died were given a poorly mixed medication by a veterinary pharmacy in Florida. This is just another example of why you should always double check your recipes!

And speaking of recipes, we French know just want to do in a tragedy like this.
You'll need 2 1/4 pounds of horse meat
1 Tbsp olive oil
2 1/2 ounces ground cured lard
2 minced onions
1 glass of dry white wine (maybe even a second for yourself)
6 ripe tomatoes, blanched, peeled, seeded, chopped, and drained
2 bell peppers, ribbed and seeded, then diced
2 Tbsp minced fresh herbs (basil, sage, and rosemary to taste)
1 clove of garlic minced
salt and freshly ground pepper

In a skillet, heat the oil, lard, and onion. Sauté until the onion has become golden but don’t brown it too much. Add the horse meat and brown it, stirring frequently. When le cheval is ready, sprinkle in the glass of wine and reduce the heat to a bare simmer. Cover the dish, and let it cook for a little over an hour. Mix in the chopped tomatoes and diced peppers, and continue cooking for another half hour.

Ten minutes before removing the dish from the stove, sprinkle the minced herbs over everything. Serve it hot with salt and pepper to taste. Voila!

Bon appetit!
Jacques Cuillere

Morning After?

Dr. Jogia here reporting briefly on a new health announcement.

The "morning after pill", or Plan B, is now able to be purchased by those over 17 and older without a prescription. The previous age was 18. The "morning after pill" is a very high dose of hormones, which when ingested up to 72 hours after sex can help prevent pregnancy. Not surprisingly, there are those who are protesting this new decision, claiming that 17 years old are not mature enough to make such a decision. And, that it promotes unsafe sex because the option to halt pregnancy are now just a little bit easier.

Planned Parenthood however, is thrilled with the new decision, cheering the strides made in women's liberation and health/safety concerns. Not to mention, if a teen has been a victim of sexual violence, the Plan B pill can be a helpful start to taking care of oneself after the fact.

Overall: I think it is an excellent decision and I applaud the forward thinking. However, remember, this is not an excuse not to wrap it up. STD's are still very much a problem. And they're quite disgusting. Don't forget.

TaTa.

Episode 3 Refresher

Wow, these guys are blogging hard. So hard the episode keeps disappearing... So here it is again. Enjoy!

Meridian 13 News Episode 3 [4_4_09].mp3

Britain's Got Brain Disease

Righto. Nelson here. I'm flabbergasted. Well, I mean, I was flabbergasted last week, but just when I thought the idiot brigade of the world had marched their April march, along come another YouTube sensation. Now I'm REALLY flabbergasted. Gabberflastered perhaps. I'm not sure. Well, anyway... Back to the story. I am of course referring to singing sensation Susan Boyle, whose press agent harnessed the power of the world wide interweb to maximum effect last week, and now it's only hermits in Yemen who don't know who she is. Now, I don't have anything against the woman, and I do hope she does well out of the media circus that is her world now. The people I'm pointing my knarly finger at are the idiots who think it's a heartwarming and lovely tale. It's not. Didn't you hear what the judges said? Susan was the contestant who surprised them most! What, because she isn't a supermodel, or perhaps hasn't received the best education, she can't sing? Because she was giddy in front of the camera (most likely at the producer's behest), it seemed unlikely she had talent? The judges and the programme are blatantly insulting the woman. Now, I'm all for insults too (after all I have to work with the lovely Geraldine), but I do wish the public would wake up and smell the bullshit. It's not heartwarming, it's well-produced tv, and anyone who sends e-mails to their friends saying how 'inspired' they are by the clip of Ms Boyle singing on ITV, is just subscribing to the circus. If Susan were better spoken, and had similar features to other well-known singing stars, there'd be nothing special about her. So go ahead and enjoy the freak show, and while you're at it go ahead and visit the bearded lady, the elephant man and the really fat fellow who can speak 7 different languages next door. What? Offended? So am I. By you people. I'm ashamed to be British. Jolly glad I moved to Meridian Island when the revenue came after me....

Honey Honey

Dear Geraldine,

It's springtime here in the south, and I'm looking forward to my work in the garden providing me with apples, peaches, tomatoes, okra, sweet peas, and many other delicious fresh fruits and vegetables this summer. I was wondering if you had any favorite garden fresh recipes.

Thanks,
Brenda
Burmingham, AL

Dear Brenda,

First of all, Jacques is the recipe fellow. Secondly, back in Ireland we had this saying, "Never count your Guiness before you're drunk." Or something like that. Point is, I'd be highly shocked if you had any fruits or veggies this summer as the world is coming to an end, and it's all our own fault. I'm not talking about global warming. We've all heard enough about that. I'm talking about the horrid decline in bee populations around the planet! Bees and other pollenating insects have been declining in number steadily for the past decade now, and soon there won't be anything left to help your garden grow! You should be ashamed of yourself, you honey-guzzling whore. When was the last time you kept a beehive, hmm? I myself am an avid beekeeper and an active member of the Federation of Irish Beekeepers' Associations. Thankfully, on Tuesday a British consortium pledged $14.5 million to research what's going on, and to find a way to make sure that the bees and keep on buzzing. My guess though is that it's all your fault, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Buzzing with hatred,
Geraldine Hairpiece

P.S. I think you should make a peach cobbler. Fuck if I know how, but I think it'd be right nice.

LIVE FROM...Lutz, Florida...fuckin' Lutz, Florida...

Ricky "The Cougar" Crenshaw comin' straight at you from the Outback Pro-Am in Lutz, Florida and boy is my fuckin' barn burnin' straight to the ground! My dear Meridianites, you all know that I despise two things: cold gazpacho and traveling without a purpose. I'm in Lutz, Florida. LUTZ! LUTZ for cryin' out loud. Hell, the only good thing about this place is that my son Ricky Jr. giggles because the name has an unfortunate rhyme with the word boots. (God, Ricky Jr. loves boots.) Nothing, but Lutz and boots, Lutz and boots. God, kids and their imaginations. But, no. I didn't come to illustrious Lutz, Florida because it's the "Homemade Casket Center of the World." Hell, I didn't even come here to watch and report on the Outback Pro-Am. Ricky Jr. even had to admit that he doesn't give two starving Somalian f***s about this golf tournament.

"The Cougar" and Ricky, Jr. came to Lutz, Florida for one reason: to see Tiger Woods. Low and behold, guess who's not showin' up? Guess who's too busy fucking they're supermodel girlfriend? Guess who's too busy lounging on their private beach in Hawaii? Guess who's too busy being a proud father? Not Ricky "The Cougar" Crenshaw. That's for fucking sure. I don't travel the globe attending varied sports events by choice - I blame that on the sleep fugue - and I don't do it secretly hoping I'll end up in a real life version of LOST - where I can be the black guy from the first few seasons who has that kid who hates him and the kid wishes that his father would die and where the dad goes around trying to be hero and where the dad tries to prove to his son that he loves him and that the dad could tell his son that he was never supposed to know about the adoption and then maybe one day the son would love his dad because the son knows that deep down inside that his father loves him but the son will hide it because he's growing up to be an angsty teen but will continue to promote an attitude of hate towards his father even when he hears his father crying alone in a man-made island pavilion.

Yeah. That could be me.

Except, I'm not black.

Fuckin' A. Tiger never showed up. This was waste of time. Well, atleast I was able to buy Ricky Jr. a decent pair of boots for the rain. Or maybe if the plane crashes on our way home, one day Ricky Jr. can use the boots to wade through a pool of my tears and still manage too keep his feet dry. Lutz and boots. It kills me everytime.

Episode 3 Refresher

Hey! Here's episode 3 again, in case you've missed it!

Meridian 13 News Episode 3 [4_4_09].mp3

Work Hard, Play Hard

Good morning everybody, Dr Jogia here. I hope you are enjoying the sunny weather we are experiencing here on Meridian Island. I wanted to quickly comment on something that I read about recently which made me chuckle. A former physiotherapist for a Bolivian football team has admitted to giving players viagra to help them perform at high altitude. You see, viagra oxygenates the blood, and the team from Santa Cruz (400m above sea level) were playing in La Paz (3,500m above sea level). The drug was administered to several players, especially those who suffered most at altitude, although none of them were aware of taking the drug. I am so surprised they didn't notice when they were getting their balls up. Ha! Oh, goodness gracious me! Getting it up. Oh, hoho. Well. Ahem. Until next time, stay healthy.

Sunnis in the North

Hey guys...it's Jimmy Jimmy Jimbo up in the hizz. And I've been in Iraq. NOT! hahahahaha. Yeah right. I've been in a bar. But I have read that the Sunnis have been elected back into power in the northern part of the country after about half a decade of being a political group with less control over their nation. But they made a comeback! 4th quarter. All right. Anyway, my biggest concern was "and what are we doing about the violence?" as if I even know what anybody is doing about it... but the leader dude said that they don't use violence anymore to gain control. Now, it's all politics. Man. If the rest of the world could be like Northern Iraq.

Daddy, I'm going to start bringing money home!

Fifty years ago, most kids were making a living right after high school.  Now, most of them go to College three to six years after high school and start making a living in their mid-twenties reimbursing their student loans for the next decades. However, a young 13-year-old boy from Peoria, Illinois decided that he will not follow that society trend and will begin to earn money on his own. Last Tuesday, he went to the bank, armed and ask the teller to give him cash.  He then went hiding in a nearby garage where the sheriff caught him red-handed. Only 13-year-old and he already opted for a career and is full of initiative. What can I say but bravo! You got to be impressed by the upcoming generation! Oh la la!

Votre ami, Jacques Cuillère.

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match

Good Evening, Cynthia Meridian here to report yet another side effect of the failing economy.

In these sad economic times, studies report that people are reaching out to one another more than they ever have before. In other words, everyone's looking for someone to love and for someone to return the affection.

Except wait a second. Hasn't everyone always been looking for someone to love them? Who wants to be lonely? No one! Doesn't everyone want someone to come home to at the end of the day to eat dinner with, talk about their boring days with, and then fall into bed and maybe have sex, or maybe not? Good thing this disastrous recession came along as an excuse to join a dating website or hire a matchmaker.

But I do suppose, if you get laid off and you want to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's, it would be a lot more fun to do that with your lover and not by yourself.

Or if you get a massive cut in your paycheck and you feel like getting totally hammered, it would be a lot more fun to do that with your significant other at a bar so you can make out in front of everyone else...because, hey, you may have to take a second job, but at least you have someone to suck your face off.

This is Cynthia Meridian: your first stop for economic woes.

And no, I'm not bitter because I'm blogging alone while eating Cooler Ranch Doritos and spooning icing out of the can.

What?

Idiocy Still Alive in Europe

Good evening, Nelson Ramsbottom here. I have to say, I'm shocked. Shocked and flabbergasted. Shocked, flabbergasted and outraged. Shocked, flabb.... Well, anyway, I'm sure you understand what I mean. The reason for my outrage is the complete idiocy of a woman on Sunday who decided it would be a jolly nice idea to jump over and generally negotiate the strategically placed fences and obstacles that seperate polar bears from public at Berlin Zoo. Why? Heaven only knows what goes on in that tiny little head of hers.... Suffice to say the 32 year-old had a narrow escape from the bears, suffering bites and scratches, rather than the, oh, I don't know, maybe messy and painful death that one would generally associate with being in close proximity to such beasts.

Rescuers pushed the bears away from the imbecillic lard-arse with sticks, while lowering a rope for her to be drawn out by. But she was a fatty, so the rope broke, and the bears went in for another bite. I don't know how she got out in the end. I don't care. She's alive, and probably eating too much again. She can be an idiot another day. Good for her.

Now where did I put my crumpets?....

Good things come in Twos

Hello dearies,

Just read about this man in Atlanta who got up from his fat ass to see what some noise in his backyard was. He got outside and found that strong winds had blown over a tree. While he's outside, get this, the winds blow over another tree that comes crashing down on his house landing directly on the couch that he was plopped upon thirty seconds prior.  Now this man is swearing that there are no coincidences, and that God himself called him out into his yard with the crashing down of the first tree. But I'll have you know that this morning I was trying for the second time to drown my neighbor's cat, and for the second time, she caught me out in the back yard with the cat dunked in a tub of water, AND for the second time, the stupid woman believed me when I told her I was washing the little dear. The funny thing is, the only two times I've ever seen this horrid woman outside or her house have been when I'm doing my best to make sure her pussy never craps in my carport again. How's that for coincidence?

Wishing you all luck,

Geraldine Hairpiece

Sports Flash

Ricky "the Cougar" Crenshaw here with a Sports Flash! Anyone who reads my weekly column knows I love two things: the 6-4-3 double play and teaching my son, ricky Jr., how to gamble at the dog track. As you can imagine, I erupted with manly, overtly testosteronal glee when I found out that the Obamas were going to adopt an abandoned racing dog as their new White House pet. I thought this was fucking brilliant. I mean FUCKING brilliant. Ricky Jr. even thought this f***ing brilliant! what better way to reduce our national debt than to take a couple of grand prize purses on the competitive dog racing circuit? Now, I don't have a degree in Keynesian economics, but Ricky Jr. and I do love Pizza Hut and this adds up to one sweet 2-for-1 deal. With enough hard work and training, we can make this abandoned dog a contender again. It can give the country something to rally behind! I'm tired of Ricky Jr. telling me, "Dad, shouldn't you try and find a job instead of going to the dog track? Dad, why do you smell like beer and cheap Mexican food? Dad, why do I hear you crying in the bathroom late at night when I have to get up to pee?" It don't matter how this dog wins. It only matter THAT he wins. And that he wins every time. The American people need an idea that they can not only get behind, but an idea that they can cheer and scream for at the top of their lungs in 1/4 furlong intervals. The American people need this. I need this. We need this racing dog to take home money. So then I can bet on him and then I can take home money! Come on, America! you're meant to be the best! America should breed the best, God damn it! Show America how you can breed a winner! Let me show Ricky Jr. what it's like to be a winner! Let me show Ricky Jr. how to pick a winner! Let Ricky Jr. be proud of his father...please, dear God...let Ricky Jr. be proud of his father...Ricky Jr....let Ricky Jr. be proud of his country...and...his father...

That's Showbiz, kids

Dear Geraldine,

I recently bought a doll that was being marketed by Showbiz Promotions in Florida. Showbiz's owner Jaime Salcedo stated that a portion of all the proceeds from his sale of these "Caylee Sunshine" dolls would be given to charity, but I just read that Salcedo is being sued. Apparently he's been pocketing all the money and not giving any to charity. I feel like my attempt at a good deed has been smashed. Do you have any advice?

Sincerely,

Just Trying to Help in Florida

Dear "Just Trying..."

I have three pieces of advice for you. First of all, when you want to donate to a charity, how about you just give the full amount to an actual honest-to-goodness charity instead of wanting some hideous doll in return? Ever think of that? Just doing a good deed without seeking reward? My second piece of advice, you whiney loaf, is to attend the reading of this Mr. Salcedo's verdict so you can laugh really loudly and point at him when he's sentenced to years of anal rape in Florida's fine prison system for being such a soulless git. My final piece of advice is to go take advantage of the fact you live in the Sunshine State and have a Mai-tai and a joint on the beach. Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Geraldine Hairpiece

Episode 3 Refresher

After another week of hard blogging, episode 3 has almost disappeared, so here it is again!

Don't forget episode 1 + 2 are available - just hunt through the older posts...

Meridian 13 News Episode 3 [4_4_09].mp3

Really?

Hey guys. Jimmy here. This one made me sober up to write this entry. A doctor was selling a fake cure for cancer. Fake. Cure. For Cancer!!! Um...REALLY? This guy actually pretended to have a lifesaving drug and sold it to people who were desperate enough to believe in it? That is about as bad as it gets. Word to the wise, the next time you try to take advantage of someone like that, think about what kind of witnesses will be at your trial. And what they would be saying about you. And how terrible you could look to a jury...and a judge that would do the sentencing. Not so good. Come on, world.

-Jimmy

Liberté sur Internet (Freedom on Internet)

The French politicians have rejected a bill which proposed to cut off from the internet the people who are caught three times downloading music illegally. Why 3 times? I really don't know... Could have something to do with the First World War: the famous unluckyness of the third light! Indeed, it is commonly believed that a sniper might see the first light, take aim on the second and fire on the third. Or maybe it is the trinity...Anyway, France stood up to their President Nicholas Sarkozy and said that this bill is a "liberticide".  Also, last month, access to Internet has been defined as an untouchable fundamental freedom by the European Parliament.  I do understand that artists might want to protect their work. I am myself an amateur composer on those rainy days we get on the Island and when I'll put out my albums of French Walzes, I wonder how I would feel about people downloaded my work. Couldn't I live as an artist if people would pay for their download? Maestro Jacques Cuillère? Those are legitimate concerns but forbidding internet access as a punishment is against the French and now European fundamental value of "Liberté". President Sarkozy might have wanted to set a global precedent in fighting internet piracy but not to the expense of our freedom, Mr. President!!! The spirit of "la Bastille" and of the French revolution is still alive!             Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité! And good food!...And wine!...And Women...Beaucoup de women! (Yes, in this order!)

Jacques Cuillère for Méridian 13 News

Battle of the Bulge

As if the battle of the bulge wasn't hard enough. Now they've gone and researched what scientists are calling "brown fat" and the effects it could have on adult weight loss.

Good Evening, this is Cynthia Meridian reporting on yes, "brown fat" and the benefits it could potentially provide overweight individuals. Brown fat, fat that consumes calories to generate heat, was originally thought only to be found in babies who did not have the muscle capacity to shiver and warm themselves up. However, three different research teams have pinpointed brown fat in adults (typically on the upper back, neck, and spinal region). Brown fat is activated when the body needs to warm itself up, so naturally, subjects were placed in a chilly room, and lo and behold, brown fat showed up in scans completed after wards. So these scientists wonder then, if brown fat is activated all of the time, will the body simply continue to burn calories to try and stay warm, thus losing weight?

Are we all meant to exercise in freezers? Or perhaps just keep our houses comfortably cool all of the time? Then, while we may save money on oil bills in the winter, the long term effects of global warming do not seem to be in favor of brown fat activation.

Maybe we should all just try eating less and exercising more. Old fashioned? Maybe. But, "I'm going to the gym to run" sounds a lot better than "I'm going to go sit in my outdoor freezer so I can activate some of the brown fat on my back."

Cheers!

Cynthia Meridian

BBC Blunder

I say, if it's not one thing it's another....  I seem to be all tooth and no trousers this week.  But that's a story for another blog. Anyway, it seems the Beeb have boobed once again, after one of their presenters made a rather barbed comment about jockey Liam Treadwell's teeth, shortly after he had ridden a 100-1 outsider to victory in the Grand National.

Treadwell had just sprung a surprise win in the National when presenter Clare Balding asked him to pose for the camera, adding that his teeth perhaps weren't the best in the world, but never mind, he could afford to get them done now.  Oh dear...

The BBC have since issued an apology for the remarks.  It may have left a bad taste in Treadwell's mouth, but I'm sure Balding is tearing her hair out at her faux pas.

Now I must be off and pick up my winnings from the bookies!  Have a wonderful evening all!

Nelson Ramsbottom.

Brewing Addiction

Dear Geraldine,

I've been drinking coffee and sodas for as long as I can remember, but I've been having panic attacks recently due to increased stress. I read that caffeine can increase the risk of panic attacks, so I'm trying to cut back, but I am having trouble. I was wondering if you have any advice.

Sincerely,

Buzz in Ohio

Dear Buzz,

First of all, oh boo-hoo, you big baby. Caffeine!

Secondly, I'm glad you're deciding to cut back. Addiction is one of my strong points, though I've never been much of a quitter. Anyway, caffeine addiction has been plaguing all sorts of people for a while now. Researchers are finding that people who drink a lot of  coffee, tea, or cola products tend to go through caffeine withdrawal when they cut back. I've heard that symptoms generally include headaches and crankiness, but I always think it's best to prepare for the worst. 

So if you're going to do something, go balls to the wall. No caffeine for you ever again. This cutting back gradually crap is for pussies. You'll want to get all caffeinated beverages out of your home. Also, have a friend take your car keys from you for a couple of days. Trust me. Every Monday when I try to quit drinking again, everything goes to hell as soon as I get behind the wheel. It's just straight to the liquor store. Don't tell anyone about that though. My license was revoked years ago.

Also, you'll probably vomit and get the shits at the same time, so keep near the toilet. The sweating, nausea, dilated pupils, and goosebumps go away in a couple of days, but fatigue, intense hunger, and psychotic reactions can last up to 8 weeks. I suggest you find ways to distract yourself from the horrid cravings. Take up smoking or opiates of some sort. They come in a wide variety of pills, injectables, and edibles these days.

Hope that helps.

Your friend,

Geraldine Hairpiece

Toothpaste Crimewave

Now, listen up old chap....  I was just about to sit down with a cup of tea and my crumpet, when I came across this story that I simply had to share with you.  Apparently some dear boy in the northern region of Germany, possibly Essen, possibly not, I can't quite recall now..  Anyway, this young chappy was trying  to walk out of a Bavarian retail outlet with 68 tubes of toothpaste stuffed inside his clothing  It was only when a bright eyed, quick-witted and, dare I say it, devilishly attractive shop assistant became suspicious of the man's bulging clothes, and accosted him on the spot that the tubes of toothpaste fell out onto the shop floor.  All 68 of them.  That's right.  Needless to say the thief ran off without his stash, but not before he took a swing at our girl.  The brute!  Police are still searching for the man, though they are unclear as to whether the man had bad teeth or not.

This has been Nelson Ramsbottom, giving you an extra world view this pleasantly warm Sunday evening.  Good night!

Episode 3 [4.4.09]

Hey everybody, it's episode 3! Featuring the Drag Olympics in London, St Patrick's Day in Kildare, and a new form of contraception with Dr Jogia....

Meridian 13 News is written by:
Becca Anderson
Julian Blackmore
Dimitri Landrain
Emily Peters
Jim Yates

This month's episode features a guest performance by Joel Waggoner.

Meridian 13 News Episode 3 [4_4_09].mp3

Cigar Time

So the Barackstar told CNN (Chill-ass News Network) that he might be working on lifting the travel ban to and from Cuba. You guys know what that means...Cigars-a-plenty! Now, this doesn't mean that much to me cuz I have a Cuban buddy who rolls 'em for me here in the country, but cigar lovers will dig this. And may I be totally frank, here? Why CAN'T we go to Cuba? I know that there was some shit between our countries in the past, but wasn't that like fifty years ago? I'm sorry. I just don't know the grudge rule. Maybe this one is under a patent or something. Oh, right. Communism. That was it. We got scared about communism. Wow. Scary. Communism. I can't wait for the horror film about the leftist social system of communism.

Rock on for now.
-Jimmy

Fisherman spears his own head!

Brazil. Doctors successfully removed a 15cm spear from a fisherman head. The brazilian fisherman shot his spear which ricocheted off a rock and entered his head just above his left eye while every poissons around were laughing their fins off. He said the pain was unbearable every time he touched the spear and when the ambulance hit bumps in the road on the way to hospital. I can't imagine a sharper pain. The man is now in stable condition but says he is done fishing. What can I say but oh la la!

Jacques Cuillère

Counting Eggs

Good morning everybody!  Nelson Ramsbottom here with this week's world view...

Now it turns out researchers in Italy have discovered baby chickens are able to perform basic arithmetic, adding and subtracting objects as they were hidden behind two screens.  The chickens are able to work out which of the two screens hides the larger number of objects.

Chickens like to stay close to objects they are reared with, and in this experiment scientists reared them with highly sophisticated tracking 'spheres'.    The chickens are then placed in glass viewing areas, and watch as researchers place varying numbers of these spheres behind the screens.  When released from the viewing area the little blighters immediately make their way to whichever screen they think has the most spheres behind it.  64.5% of the chickens are succesful.

I say jolly good show for the chickens!  I'm off to the farm now to get one of my own.  I'm hoping to train mine to bring me my morning tea.  Otherwise, it'll make a lovely supper.

Have a smashing week everybody.

Nelson