Good News for Cheap Nerds

Hello, dearies. If you're anything like me or any of my Irish kin, you're a cheap bastard who doesn't like to pay for anything that has been fermented. Well, if that's the case, then have I got good news for you! You've probably been holding out for ages on purchasing any sort of word processing software, huh? You've probably been uses freeware online for ages now to type up report or create your resume. You probably have a hell of a time emailing files in useful or common formats to other people who aren't such cheapskates.  Fret no more, my thrifty friends. Microsoft, that money guzzling company that wouldn't fart in your face without first making you pay, has announced today that they're going to be joining the ranks of Google, Openoffice, Zoho, and oh so many more companies that got on the freeware wagon back when it was still the cool thing to do (in 2003 or so) by releasing a free online version of Microsoft Office 2010. Not only that, but they've stopped being such biggots and have made sure that this new software will be compatible with Safari and Firefox as well as their old-fashioned Internet Explorer browser.

I suppose this is pretty standard Microsoft procedure. You know? Doing something every single other company has done before you and better than you. Is Bill Gates Irish, too?

Toodlepip,

Geraldine Hairpiece

New Job for Palin?

I say! We Brits can be slightly potty at times, but this is going too far surely? Popular tourist destination Wookey Hole, is advertising for a live-in witch to inhabit their caves, be witchy, and generally do things that witches do. This is to give visitors as they pass through the caves an idea of what life was like in the Dark Ages - stemming from when an old woman used to live in the caves with goats and dogs, and allegedly caused all manner of ills.

The job pays £50,000 (about $81k) per year, pro rata. Peak seasons for visitors are generally Christmas and summer, so I assume at other times the witch is free to plan her presidential campaign. And the good news is, due to anti discrimination laws in the UK, the witch can also be male, so if Palin doesn't go for it, maybe TV presenter Grahame Norton can.

Hey Everybody - it's Episode 6!

Fashionably late, the Meridian 13 News team is proud to bring you Episode 6. With advice from Dr Jogia, warnings from Enzo, and an award ceremony in typically Irish fashion, it's what your mp3 player has been thirsty for!

Meridian 13 News Episode 6 [7th July 2009].mp3

Sweet dreams

Dear Geraldine,

My husband started snoring about two years into our marriage. I used to just nudge him to get him to stop, but as time went by, his snoring got louder and louder. Eventually I had to start sleeping on the couch. It's gotten so loud that I'm worried something might be wrong. What do you think we should do?

Sleepless,

Barb

Dear Barb,

So loud you had to switch rooms? My guess is your husband has sleep apnea. Sleep apnea affects over 18 million people in America alone. It occurs when the passages in the throat fail to stay open while you're sleeping. It causes shortness of breath and can make you choke. Most people who suffer from it wake up groggy and don't really get the rest they need from sleeping. Therefore, I suggest you do nothing about it. Your husband will probably be so drained that he'll fall asleep behind the wheel of a car, crash, and solve the snoring problem for you. Then not only are you off the couch, but your get your double bed completely to yourself! Plus people make the best food for you when you lose a spouse.

Hungry,

Geraldine Hairpiece

Booyah!

Hey gang. Just recovered from my Michael Jackson Memorial bender, and I'm finally back to a state where I can retain what I watch on the news. All this MJ will business is totally bad ass. While I was a little disappointed that I wasn't named as an heir to any of the King of Pop's estate (estimated to be worth $500 million), but I gotta acknowledge that Michael had some huge cajones. I've never been foolish enough to allow some girl to get a ring around my finger, probably because I don't use my real name in my sexcapades, but poor Michael has been hitched. And we all know that marriage is just a shortened word for scream fight messy divorce in which some ho fleeces you. But Mr. Jackson got to slap former wife Debbie Rowe in the face from beyond the grave by purposely leaving her out of his will as a potential guardian of his three kids (2 by her). Who's the new baby mama instead? Jackson's mom, and in the event that his momma died before him, MJ's will then names fucking Diana Ross as the guardian. How sweet is that?

Stay sober,

Jimmy

Total Bad-Ass

Good Afternoon, this is Cynthia Meridian, here to award my "You are a Total F**king Bad-Ass" award for the summer. I don't care that it's only July 1st. I'm ready to give the award now.

Ladies and Gentleman, the "You are a Total F**king Bad-Ass" award goes to Bahia Bakari, the SOLE survivor of the Yemeni Jet Crash on Tuesday. Ms. Bakari, a native of the southern suburbs of Paris, not only survived the actual plane crash into the ocean off the coast of Africa, but then she clung to a piece of wreckage for 14 hours! 14 hours people! I don't know anyone who could do anything for 14 hours, let alone survive in oceanic waters through the night.

While she does have a fractured collarbone and other related injuries, it is reported she is doing well while in recovery.

Congratulations Ms. Bakari. You are a Total F**king Bad-Ass.