Good afternoon, Dr Jogia here with a rather saddening report from the country of my education, Great Britain. A new poll suggests that British workers are experiencing panic attacks and insomnia as a result of the economic downturn.

Half of the workers polled admitted to being stressed, while one in five suffered from depression. Workers revealed they were drinking more, smoking more, self-medicating using over-the-counter medicines, and comfort eating.

Goodness gracious! It is only a recession! I suggest you get a grip, and stop using the economy as an excuse for not facing up to the fact that you hate your job and should have left years ago.

My prescription: meditation, plenty of vegetables, and get off your backside. Your time on this planet is short; use it wisely.

Congrats

It's that time of year again, ladies and gents. It's time to award the Geraldine Hairpiece "Just Don't Give a Fuck" Award!

Competition was fierce as there are quite a few people out there who really just don't give a fuck, but in the end it came down to one little girl in Missouri.

Darian, a 10 year old who has to do such tedious tasks as shoveling chicken shit and moving hay on the farm where she lives, fell down in the barn and landed, with shocking accuracy, on a fucking pitchfork. What happened?? Well, the prongs of the pitchfork went clear through Darian's little leg. Her mother called 911, and Darian was taken in a helicopter to a hospital where she was x-rayed and had the prong removed from her leg. Darian now has a staph infection. How did our 10 year old heroine respond to all of this trauma? Darian didn't shed a tear and said that flying in the helicopter was  "awesome."

Congratulations Darian. You're complete inability to give a fuck has made you the 2009 winner of the Geraldine Hairpiece "Just Don't Give a Fuck" Award.

The Grateful Dead

Well, I say! Those antipodean beer-guzzlers have really cut the mustard this time. I remember once visiting my Great Aunt Nelly in Woollongonga Beach, and got into all sorts of trouble with a possum, but that's a story for another time...

Apparently the Australian government have been trying to stimulate the economy by giving cash handouts of A$900 to every taxpayer in the country. Except ministers have admitted about A$25m went to Australians living overseas....

But wait! The best is yet to come. Somewhere in the region of A$14m has gone to recipients who are no longer with us. That's right. Oodles of cash paid out to dead people, in the hope they'll rise from the grave and pop to the local shopping mall to buy some new glad rags to take back to the tomb with them.

Well done Lindsay Tanner!

This is Nelson Rambsottom wishing you all a good evening!

Identity Crisis

Dear Geraldine,

I've felt for a while that I'm losing myself. I hate my job, I don't know my own children, and on top of that I was diagnosed with cancer a year ago, and the medication I'm taking, capecitabine, causes the skin on my hands and feet to peel severely, leaving me without fingerprints! It's like a sign from the universe that I just don't know who I am anymore! What can I do to feel more like myself again?

Lost,
Betty

Dear Betty,

No fingerprints, huh? Quit bitching and start stealing, you idiot!

Found,
Geraldine Hairpiece

The End of the World?

Good Afternoon Everybody, Madame Enzo here with this week's horoscope report. We're in late May here people, so I'm talking to you Geminis, that's right, the twins! Really, I just think all Geminis tend to suffer from multiple personality disorders. But that's neither here nor there and my Iced Strawberry poptart is getting cold.

Here's the deal. Geminis, I got some bad news for you folks. Does the year 2012 mean anything to you? Because it damn well should, and if it didn't before, it will now, thanks to me. Basically, you got about 3 and half years left to live. Back in the olden days, and no, not just when I was getting ready for my junior prom, the Mayans predicted that the world would end on December 21, 2012. Of course, they didn't really have anything to worry about, being so far away from doomsday themselves, so they just threw that little prediction out into the universe and went on their merry way carving terraces into the sides of mountains and sacrificing and eating humans and their hearts.

But here's where it gets sticky. Because, I, yours truly, Madame Enzo, can see into the future, this we all know, and while the whole world may not be ending on December 21, 2012, all Geminis will cease to exist at that time. If you are worried about how to prepare for this day, there are a number of books published about this devastating holiday coming up, available at your local bookstore. Or, I am always available for a consultation (small fee included+foot massage) to help you see into the next three years of your life and what you should be focusing on as you gear up for the big day.

In the meantime Geminis, put down that piece of pizza and lemonade, so you can enjoy what's left of your pathetic existence. It's bathing suit season coming up! And the last thing you want is to land yourself in Weight Watchers for the entire summer. Think starving housewifes, food journals, and getting tested.

Childs Play

I say! This interweb shopping thingy is getting a bit out of hand. Why, the other day I ordered a whole new set of croquet balls whilst trying to update my Twitter status, but that's a story for another time....

In Wellington, New Zealand this week a mother got the shock of her life when her 3 year old daughter carried on with some online shopping alone. Pipi Quinlan had been bidding for toys on the auction site TradeMe, before taking a nap. Only her daughter carried on clicking while she slept and ended up purchasing an earth-moving digger, costing a whopping $20,000 NZ. Now, that's about five new English pennies given the current economic climate, but for the poor Kiwi family it's actually rather a lot of money.

Fortunately dear old Pipi was able to clear the whole business up with TradeMe, who refunded the seller's costs and popped the digger back up for sale. Jolly good show I say. Where on earth would they have kept the thing?

This is Nelson Ramsbottom wishing you a pleasant evening!

Letting Go of the Go Button

Dear Geraldine,

I am a big fan of your help columns. Maybe you can help me out. I've been spending a lot of time trying to better myself and develop new skills. However, one of these skills seems to be angering my best friend. I don't really have a lot of friends, and I had a pretty rough year (including suffering a stroke last August), so I need the few friends I have. That's why I want to know what you think I should do. China is really pissed at me for setting off a second nuclear weapon.

thanks,

Kim Jong Il

Dear Kim Jong Il,

I suggest you take a good look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud, "I am worth loving." You are a human being, and you are worth knowing and caring about. You don't need to display your strength through nuclear testing. Don't worry about what others think of you. Just be yourself and love yourself and know that if someone judges you because you don't have nuclear weapons, that person (or country) is not worth impressing. They are less than you.

Now put down the "go button," tell China you're sorry and you value their friendship, and get out there and live the fullest life you can!

Cheers,

Geraldine Hairpiece