BBC Blunder

I say, if it's not one thing it's another....  I seem to be all tooth and no trousers this week.  But that's a story for another blog. Anyway, it seems the Beeb have boobed once again, after one of their presenters made a rather barbed comment about jockey Liam Treadwell's teeth, shortly after he had ridden a 100-1 outsider to victory in the Grand National.

Treadwell had just sprung a surprise win in the National when presenter Clare Balding asked him to pose for the camera, adding that his teeth perhaps weren't the best in the world, but never mind, he could afford to get them done now.  Oh dear...

The BBC have since issued an apology for the remarks.  It may have left a bad taste in Treadwell's mouth, but I'm sure Balding is tearing her hair out at her faux pas.

Now I must be off and pick up my winnings from the bookies!  Have a wonderful evening all!

Nelson Ramsbottom.

Brewing Addiction

Dear Geraldine,

I've been drinking coffee and sodas for as long as I can remember, but I've been having panic attacks recently due to increased stress. I read that caffeine can increase the risk of panic attacks, so I'm trying to cut back, but I am having trouble. I was wondering if you have any advice.

Sincerely,

Buzz in Ohio

Dear Buzz,

First of all, oh boo-hoo, you big baby. Caffeine!

Secondly, I'm glad you're deciding to cut back. Addiction is one of my strong points, though I've never been much of a quitter. Anyway, caffeine addiction has been plaguing all sorts of people for a while now. Researchers are finding that people who drink a lot of  coffee, tea, or cola products tend to go through caffeine withdrawal when they cut back. I've heard that symptoms generally include headaches and crankiness, but I always think it's best to prepare for the worst. 

So if you're going to do something, go balls to the wall. No caffeine for you ever again. This cutting back gradually crap is for pussies. You'll want to get all caffeinated beverages out of your home. Also, have a friend take your car keys from you for a couple of days. Trust me. Every Monday when I try to quit drinking again, everything goes to hell as soon as I get behind the wheel. It's just straight to the liquor store. Don't tell anyone about that though. My license was revoked years ago.

Also, you'll probably vomit and get the shits at the same time, so keep near the toilet. The sweating, nausea, dilated pupils, and goosebumps go away in a couple of days, but fatigue, intense hunger, and psychotic reactions can last up to 8 weeks. I suggest you find ways to distract yourself from the horrid cravings. Take up smoking or opiates of some sort. They come in a wide variety of pills, injectables, and edibles these days.

Hope that helps.

Your friend,

Geraldine Hairpiece

Toothpaste Crimewave

Now, listen up old chap....  I was just about to sit down with a cup of tea and my crumpet, when I came across this story that I simply had to share with you.  Apparently some dear boy in the northern region of Germany, possibly Essen, possibly not, I can't quite recall now..  Anyway, this young chappy was trying  to walk out of a Bavarian retail outlet with 68 tubes of toothpaste stuffed inside his clothing  It was only when a bright eyed, quick-witted and, dare I say it, devilishly attractive shop assistant became suspicious of the man's bulging clothes, and accosted him on the spot that the tubes of toothpaste fell out onto the shop floor.  All 68 of them.  That's right.  Needless to say the thief ran off without his stash, but not before he took a swing at our girl.  The brute!  Police are still searching for the man, though they are unclear as to whether the man had bad teeth or not.

This has been Nelson Ramsbottom, giving you an extra world view this pleasantly warm Sunday evening.  Good night!

Episode 3 [4.4.09]

Hey everybody, it's episode 3! Featuring the Drag Olympics in London, St Patrick's Day in Kildare, and a new form of contraception with Dr Jogia....

Meridian 13 News is written by:
Becca Anderson
Julian Blackmore
Dimitri Landrain
Emily Peters
Jim Yates

This month's episode features a guest performance by Joel Waggoner.

Meridian 13 News Episode 3 [4_4_09].mp3

Cigar Time

So the Barackstar told CNN (Chill-ass News Network) that he might be working on lifting the travel ban to and from Cuba. You guys know what that means...Cigars-a-plenty! Now, this doesn't mean that much to me cuz I have a Cuban buddy who rolls 'em for me here in the country, but cigar lovers will dig this. And may I be totally frank, here? Why CAN'T we go to Cuba? I know that there was some shit between our countries in the past, but wasn't that like fifty years ago? I'm sorry. I just don't know the grudge rule. Maybe this one is under a patent or something. Oh, right. Communism. That was it. We got scared about communism. Wow. Scary. Communism. I can't wait for the horror film about the leftist social system of communism.

Rock on for now.
-Jimmy

Fisherman spears his own head!

Brazil. Doctors successfully removed a 15cm spear from a fisherman head. The brazilian fisherman shot his spear which ricocheted off a rock and entered his head just above his left eye while every poissons around were laughing their fins off. He said the pain was unbearable every time he touched the spear and when the ambulance hit bumps in the road on the way to hospital. I can't imagine a sharper pain. The man is now in stable condition but says he is done fishing. What can I say but oh la la!

Jacques Cuillère

Counting Eggs

Good morning everybody!  Nelson Ramsbottom here with this week's world view...

Now it turns out researchers in Italy have discovered baby chickens are able to perform basic arithmetic, adding and subtracting objects as they were hidden behind two screens.  The chickens are able to work out which of the two screens hides the larger number of objects.

Chickens like to stay close to objects they are reared with, and in this experiment scientists reared them with highly sophisticated tracking 'spheres'.    The chickens are then placed in glass viewing areas, and watch as researchers place varying numbers of these spheres behind the screens.  When released from the viewing area the little blighters immediately make their way to whichever screen they think has the most spheres behind it.  64.5% of the chickens are succesful.

I say jolly good show for the chickens!  I'm off to the farm now to get one of my own.  I'm hoping to train mine to bring me my morning tea.  Otherwise, it'll make a lovely supper.

Have a smashing week everybody.

Nelson