A Little Etiquette

Hello dearies,

Geraldine Hairpiece here. I was looking through some old photographs, and they reminded me of my days running the Geraldine Hairpiece School for Young Ladies in Need of Some Serious Coaching. I thought it might be nice to just run over some basics for you, since we all need reminding from time to time.

Let's cover dinner table etiquette, shall we? First of all, if you're sitting, put the goddamn napkin in your lap. Your host folded it up nicely, sure, but not just for you to look at, and no one will want to look at the goop on your pants when you stand up after dinner.

This is very important, you twats. The lady sitting to the right of the host is served FIRST! That means if I'm on the right of the host, you don't grab the fucking roast and take the end piece! That's MY FUCKING PIECE OF BEEF! I was seated next to the host for a reason, and do you really think I would have RSVP'd "yes" with a hand-written note two weeks prior to the event had I known that you'd take the end piece of the roast beef??!! DO YOU??

Finally, no one wants to hear you slurp. You know who you are.


Keep practicing,
Geraldine Hairpiece