Sports Flash

Ricky "the Cougar" Crenshaw here with a Sports Flash! Anyone who reads my weekly column knows I love two things: the 6-4-3 double play and teaching my son, ricky Jr., how to gamble at the dog track. As you can imagine, I erupted with manly, overtly testosteronal glee when I found out that the Obamas were going to adopt an abandoned racing dog as their new White House pet. I thought this was fucking brilliant. I mean FUCKING brilliant. Ricky Jr. even thought this f***ing brilliant! what better way to reduce our national debt than to take a couple of grand prize purses on the competitive dog racing circuit? Now, I don't have a degree in Keynesian economics, but Ricky Jr. and I do love Pizza Hut and this adds up to one sweet 2-for-1 deal. With enough hard work and training, we can make this abandoned dog a contender again. It can give the country something to rally behind! I'm tired of Ricky Jr. telling me, "Dad, shouldn't you try and find a job instead of going to the dog track? Dad, why do you smell like beer and cheap Mexican food? Dad, why do I hear you crying in the bathroom late at night when I have to get up to pee?" It don't matter how this dog wins. It only matter THAT he wins. And that he wins every time. The American people need an idea that they can not only get behind, but an idea that they can cheer and scream for at the top of their lungs in 1/4 furlong intervals. The American people need this. I need this. We need this racing dog to take home money. So then I can bet on him and then I can take home money! Come on, America! you're meant to be the best! America should breed the best, God damn it! Show America how you can breed a winner! Let me show Ricky Jr. what it's like to be a winner! Let me show Ricky Jr. how to pick a winner! Let Ricky Jr. be proud of his father...please, dear God...let Ricky Jr. be proud of his father...Ricky Jr....let Ricky Jr. be proud of his country...and...his father...